


You don't have to love me back

by notreallystraight



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gay, I'm Sorry, Like, M/M, Multi, Slow Burn, SuperCorp, soooooo gay, super fucking slow burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-09-25 00:58:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 36,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9795215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notreallystraight/pseuds/notreallystraight
Summary: buckle up for this slow as fuck slow burn where we follow our two favourite idiots, Kara and Lena, on their journey from kindergarten to actual life.ORA story where neither of them knows how to use their words and spend too much time not understanding each other's hints.





	1. Sunshine

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING OR WHATEVER!!!
> 
> this story will have mentions of death, violence, abuse and other not so fun things. if you want a heads up, please PLEASE, message me on tumblr @notreallystraight and I'll gladly explain stuff if you feel like it. 
> 
> now that i've put you up for something fun, do please continue reading
> 
> thanks <3

She was playing with Winn the first she saw her. Her and Winn had been building with blocks, making towers taller than themselves and wrecking them shortly after. Kara had turned her head and she’d seen the girl with the big, glassy eyes and the black hair that shined brown in the sunlight.

 

Kara had walked over to her and told her she shouldn’t be crying when the sun was out. The girl had just hidden her face in her hands and kept on sobbing. “Kara, “ Winn whispered, trying to get her attention again. He’d rebuild their tower and was waiting for Kara to come knock it down.

 

“When the sun is out, it’s not a time to cry, “ Kara says, twisting one of her pigtails around her fingers. “We’re playing with building blocks. You can knock the tower down if you’d like. “ Kara beamed down at her, reaching out for the girl’s hand. The girl had just looked straight back up at Kara, shook her head and turned to face the wall, her hands still catching her tears.

 

“ _Kara_! “ Hissed Winn, motioning for her to come back to the blocks, but Kara just simply shook her head and waved him off. She sat down next to girl. Kara had a doll in her hand, it was a girl with a red and blue suit on, a piercing red cape and a pretty ‘S’ on the front of her chest. Her hair was blonde, long and curly and she had a great smile on her face.

 

“Have you ever heard of Supergirl? “ Kara asked, looking at the girl who’d turned around a little at Kara’s question. “She’s the best person in the world, I promise! She’d never let a pretty girl like you sit alone and cry on such a warm day. And since I want to be like Supergirl when I grow up, I’m not letting you be alone either. So are you sure you don’t want to play with me and Winn? “

 

And the girl had turned around, looked from the doll in Kara’s hands and back up at Kara and she’d sprung happily from the ground, run over to the tower and knocked it down with a punch of her fist. All of three of them had fallen into a fit of laughter.

 

 

That day, when Lena had gotten home to her new family, she didn’t cry, not even a little bit. She’d sat in her new brother’s room and told him everything about her day. He’d been playing videogames, yelling at people in his headset, but he had at least pretended to listen to what she had to say, and Lena thought that was good enough for now.

 

At night Lena missed her mommy and daddy, but she didn’t want to say anything to her new mommy. Her new mommy had been so nice and kind to her, she wouldn’t even dare to tell her she was unhappy. But even though her new mommy, Lillian, had given her plenty of food for dinner and tugged her in at night, she still felt this dry spot in her chest, like she needed to cough very loudly but just couldn’t.

 

So she let the tears fall from her eyes as she slowly fell asleep, dreaming of her parents and her new friends and how she was going to have a wonderful day again tomorrow.

 

 

 

“So they’re going to come here, “ Lex said, stuffing his face with eggs and bacon at the same time. “And- and they’re going to- “

 

“Lex, dear, don’t talk with her mouth full of food, “ Lillian said as she sat down with them at the table.

 

Lex swallowed the food in a big gulp and wiped his mouth clean with the back of his hand. “And there’s going to be war! I mean it! I’ve read it, I’ve _seen_ it. The aliens from outer space will come to Earth and they will invade it- like- like the Germans in World War- “

 

“That’s enough, dear. Don’t scare your little sister away just yet. We’ve only had her here for a month, you see? “ Lillian said kindly, spooning some scrambled eggs onto Lena’s plate even though she was no longer hungry.

 

Lena couldn’t believe she’d already been at this new family for a month. It didn’t feel like that long, well, only when it got dark outside. When the sun said goodbye, Lena felt like the hours passed by like days. Kara had told her not to cry when it was sunny outside, so when the sun had gone to bed, she couldn’t help but to let the day’s sadness overwhelm her.

 

“Eat up, “ Lillian said, her voice stern but her face a kind smile. “Don’t want you to be hungry before you get to kindergarten, right? “ She grinned happily as Lex took another plate of food, emptying it before Lena had even picked up her fork again.

 

 

“My sister is coming today! “ Was the first thing Kara said once Lena had stepped inside the kindergarten’s bright, yellow walls. “She’s amazing! She’s really tall, just like big girls, and she has dark hair, but not as dark as yours, Lena, and she’s so cool and really sweet. She’s in a school now, actually. “

 

Lena beamed with Kara, listening to every word she said as if they’d eventually stop and she didn’t want that, no, she never wanted Kara to stop talking. They spend the day outside on the grass, drawing pictures of Kara and her sister, whose name was Alex, Lena learned, and they made her a secret agent who fought the bad guys and they made Kara Supergirl.

 

Lena didn’t mind not being a part of the drawings. She was just happy she could be there with Kara, helping her decide the many colors of the sky and planning out where the bad guys would get beaten up.

 

The familiar dry spot in her chest appeared when Kara’s older sister, Alex, had come with their mother to pick Kara up. She saw how happy they were, how whole they were. Lena remembered the happiness she felt the times her mommy and daddy had come pick her up, just months ago, but she didn’t feel it anymore. She didn’t feel the same sunshine in her belly when her new mommy came get her. She felt guilty about it, her new mommy had been giving her so many presents and so much food and she still didn’t feel the sunshine.

 

Only when Kara was with her.

 

 

Lena liked the days where Winn was not there the best, it’s not that she didn’t like him, it’s just that Kara divided her attention into two and Lena, no matter how selfish that was, wanted Kara’s full attention at all times.

 

Winn always got angry at Lena for reasons she didn’t understand and one time, when Lena called Winn a loser and told him to just marry Kara if he was so obsessed with her, he’d yelled and cried and ran away. Lena had gotten into trouble that day and her new mommy had gotten upset, too. Lena had spent the time without the sun in her bedroom all by herself, she’d cried the hardest that night.

 

 

On Lena’s 6th birthday in kindergarten, she was one of the older kids, Kara had stood ready by the door with a big present in her hands and a smile wider than ever on her face. She had jumped up and down as Lena and her new mommy had walked inside to talk with one of the adults. Her new mommy had left without saying goodbye, but it didn’t bother Lena too much because Kara was holding her hand and kissing her cheek followed by a giggle and a little twirl.

 

The gift was a necklace with a little butterfly pendant on it. The wings were spread and on them, crossing the body of the insect, was a little ‘S’, just like the one on Supergirl’s chest. Lena couldn’t believe her eyes, her whole body was heavy and she didn’t understand where this feeling was coming from, the sunshine in her belly was brighter than ever.

 

One of the grownups had helped her put it on and they’d played outside, with Winn, for the rest of the day, pretending that it had magical powers and that they needed to find butterflies to get more power. They made sure not to touch the butterflies, one of the grownups, the one that helped with the necklace, had said that if you touch them, they’ll loose the dust on their wings and then they wouldn’t be able to fly.

 

Sometimes Lena felt like that.

 

 

They started school together, joined the same class and stuck together through everything. Kara wouldn’t even let anyone sit next to her if it wasn’t Lena. The weekends were the worst, Lena always thought that they were a waste of time. She didn’t understand why she had to stay at home, she also didn’t understand why her new mommy didn’t let her go visit Kara in the weekends.

 

“But mommy- “

 

“Don’t say mommy, Lena. I’m a _mother_ , “ Lillian corrected her, flicking through her magazine as Lena sat by her legs, playing with toys.

 

“I’m almost 7, “ Lena complained. “Why can’t I play with Kara? “ She bit her bottom lip until it felt sore, trying to baffle her cries she didn’t understood where came from.

 

“Because, “ Lillian said. She sighed loudly and put away her magazine, looking down at Lena with harsh eyes. “You’re gone all week and you want to be gone in the weekends too? Do you not want to be here? “

 

Lena thought about the question, it was something she hadn’t heard her mommy- _mother_ say before. She thought about where else she would be if mother hadn’t taken her in. On TV she’d seen people living on the streets and sometimes she heard about people freezing out there, even though Lena didn’t think it was very cold outside.

 

“I want to be her _and_ with Kara, “ Lena mumbled and Lillian just shook her head once again and stood up from the couch.

 

“Go to your room, “ She said, but Lena didn’t move. She’d done everything mother had said for the past two years and she didn’t want to do that anymore, she wanted to be with Kara even when she wasn’t at school. “Go to you room! “ Lillian yelled and her fists where clenched next to her waist.

 

Lena did as she was told, not liking the way mother’s voice sounded when she yelled.

 

 

“Why didn’t you come play? “ Kara asked, mouth full of food. She was eating and drawing at the same time, which had to mean that Alex was coming to pick her up with her parents later. Alex had just started in middle school and Kara was constantly talking about the mountains of homework Alex would bring home every day.

 

“I- I- “ Lena tried, but she didn’t know what to say. “I had a play date with- with Lex, “ She lied, but Kara’s eyes lit up from the news.

 

“What did you do? “ She asked, layering a red and purple as she colored in the sky.

 

“Just- we just played. “ Lena shrugged, happy that Winn had just got there. Whenever he came Kara wouldn’t look at Lena as much and, even though Lena liked when Kara looked at her, she didn’t want any eyes on her in this moment.

 

 

Eventually Kara understood that Lena couldn’t play in the weekends. Lena had been scared to think Kara would just give up on her then, but Kara just made sure to spend every moment at school together, with or without Winn. One of Kara’s favorite games was ‘House’. Lena had never heard of it before until Kara taught her how to do it.

 

All you needed was a mommy and a daddy and they’d have to have a child, then you just had to play pretend. Kara was always mommy and Winn was always daddy, which would leave Lena to be the child, which she liked because Kara was always more focused on the child than the daddy.

 

“Let’s play house, “ Lena said and liked the way a smile came across Kara’s face for a little while.

 

“Winn’s not here, “ Kara said after a second of consideration.

 

“So? “ Lena said, feeling her hands get moist. “Does there have to be a daddy? “

 

“Uh _yes_ , “ Kara said, laughing.

 

Lena felt the usual dry spot in her chest and without thinking much of it she said, “But I don’t have a daddy and we’re still a ‘house’ back home? “

 

Kara’s smile had faded slightly and she looked confused for a moment. “How can you not have a dad? “ Kara asked, but she didn’t sound like she was mocking Lena or thinking she was weird. She sounded confused and worried, like she actually cared.

 

“He’s not alive anymore, neither is my mommy. “

 

“But I’ve seen your mommy! “ Kara said, a soft smile on her lips as if Lena was joking.

 

“She’s- she’s not my _real_ mommy, “ Lena said, thinking hard about her words. “She’s just- she’s just _a_ mommy- a mother. She’s my brother’s mother- my- my not-really-brother. “

 

“Your not-really-brother? “ Kara asked.

 

“They’re playing pretend, “ Lena said. Her eyes were stinging and she couldn’t dry the tears away fast enough. “They- they’re just taking care of me because they’re nice. My- my real mommy and daddy died. “

 

“Is that why you came to this kindergarten? “ Kara asked, taking Lena’s hand and holding it tight. Lena nodded for a little while until Kara pulled her in for a tight hug. “I don’t care. I’m not playing pretend, “ Kara whispered in her ear and kissed her cheek with a quick pecking motion.

 

 

After a month in 6th grade, Kara turned 11. Lena had saved some money she’d gotten from Lex from cleaning his room and she’d bought Kara a present. It was a bracelet, matching the necklace she’d gotten from her in kindergarten. Lena wore the necklace around her wrist, the chain being too short to fit around her neck now.

 

“It’s so pretty! “ Kara beamed, jumping up and down. She gave a quick twirl, something she always did when she was exited and/or happy. “But- but it must’ve cost you so much, “ She said, her smile slowly fading from her face.

 

“It doesn’t matter, “ Lena said. “Here, let me help you. “ Lena took back the bracelet and fiddled with the lock for a moment before placing the chain gently around Kara’s wrist and locking it. Kara had put a hand in front of her mouth, as if she would just burst out laughing, or crying, at any moment.

 

“It’s perfect, “ Kara whispered. She looked up from her wrist to Lena and pulled her in for a hug, wrapping her arms around her so tight Lena couldn’t breathe for a moment, but she didn’t care. She never felt like she could breathe properly when she was around Kara anyway.

 

 

They were sitting at lunch, Kara was sharing her birthday cupcake with Lena. Kara had told Lena about how Alex had surprised her with cupcakes for breakfast and how her, Alex and her parents had sat in her bedroom, eating cake and looking at old family photos as Kara had opened some of her presents.

 

“Happy birthday! “ A girl yelled loudly and Lena dropped her tiny fork on the table as she covered her ears. The girl didn’t seem to understand that she was being too loud, because she continued to speak in the same high-pitched tone. “I got you something! “

 

The girl, who had short, brown hair and big dark eyes, put a piece of paper down in front of Kara. _An amazing, super fun, incredible, cool, fantastic ice skating trip with me and you! From your bestie, Lucy,_ read the card. Lena felt something hot in her stomach and she could feel the tips of her ears getting red with anger.

 

“Bestie? “ She said, but her voice got overruled by Kara’s yelp of excitement.

 

“This is so amazing, Lucy! I can’t wait! “ Kara jumped up from the table and pulled Lucy in for a hug and, even though Lena often thought ridicules things, she felt like her hug with Kara wasn’t as special anymore, because Lucy seemed too, like she couldn’t really breathe because Kara was hugging her so tightly.

 

Lena quickly packed away her lunchbox, without Kara even noticing, and got up from the table. She’d taken one last bite of the cupcake and wandered off, not looking back to see of Kara was even looking her way.

 

 

“Hey, “ Lena said, giving a small wave to Winn. But he didn’t notice her, not right away. He was playing something on a tiny Gameboy with a boy named Mon-El. “ _Hey_ , “ Lena said, a little more harshly than last time and they both looked up.

 

“Huh, hi. “ Winn grumbled as he sighed. “You made me loose! “ He complained as Mon-El took the Gameboy away from him, smiling at the fact that it was now his turn to play. “Where’s Kara? “ Winn asked, looking somewhere behind Lena.

 

“She’s- she’s hanging out with _Lucy_ , “ Lena sighed and put down her bag. Winn looked at her, her bag and then back at Lena. “Can I sit here? “ She asked and Winn hesitated for a moment.

 

“Well, “ He said, thinking of an excuse. “We’re actually about to go outside. There’s a soccer game outside soon and- “

 

“You never play soccer? “ Lena asked and before Winn could come up with another excuse, she took her bag and stomped off again. Heat was rising in her cheeks as she ran from the boys and outside to the playground. Behind the trees, the furthest away from the school, was a big, wooden castle. It was just tall enough for the adults to walk in, but upstairs you’d need to climb a slim tube to get there, so the adults didn’t come up there a lot.

 

Lena liked being up there, most of the kids were too afraid to climb so high and, yes, Lena had once fallen down and hurt her elbow, but Kara liked being up there, too, and Lena didn’t want to miss an opportunity to be with Kara, just because she was _scared_.

 

She sat down on a small seat made out of an old plastic box and looked out over the playground area and back to the school. Little holes in the walls gave a clear view of the children playing around her.

 

The dry spot she’d felt so often when she’d first gotten to her new family was back, burning inside her chest and this time she couldn’t make it go away by thinking of Kara and her other friends. This time it was their fault that was feeling this way- _no_ , Lena thought. _Don’t blame them for what you’re feeling_ , she thought and shook her head hard.

 

 

“You know, “ Lex said, putting down the controller to his PlayStation. “These games are real, right? I mean, someone made these and I- _I_ now that that someone made them because he or she can see into the future. “

 

Lena laughed at his silly words, but Lex didn’t smile or laugh with her. He just turned around on his bed and scooted over to her, grabbing her wrist forcefully. “I’m being serious, “ He said. “They’re going to really happen- the games- I know it! They’re real! “ He started yelling, pulled at Lena’s arm hard and she had started crying from the loud noises, not liking the sudden pain in her arm and head.

 

“We’re all going to end up like them! “ He continued, pointing at the screen with his other hand. “We’re going to be trapped, caught and treated like animals. And do you know whose fault that is? “ He waited for Lena to answer, but she was too choked up to say anything, sobs fleeting from her wobbling lips. “ _Ours_ , “ He whispers, grinning like a crazy person.

 

 

In 8th grade Lena turned 13. Kara had waited until the end of the day to give her the present she’d bought for her. It was a photo of the two of them from kindergarten. Lena had pigtails matching Kara’s and Kara had bangs – now they’re almost the same length as the rest of Kara’s long, blonde hair.

 

Mother had told her there would be surprise waiting for Lena when she’d get home from school. She’d waited for it all day, loving the bubbly feeling in her stomach, fantasizing about what it could be made it easier to forget that Kara only had talked to her that day to wish her a happy birthday.

 

But when Lena came home, the door to Lex’s bedroom was open and chills flew over her body like a breeze of freezing cold air. She’d walked up to it slowly, dropping her bag on the floor once she had turned around to look inside. “Lex? “ She’d whispered.

 

Her brother, only a couple years older than her, had stood there with a knife in his hand a small smile on his face. “I have to do this to help them, “ He said.

 

“To help- “ Lena shook her head, taking a step forward. “Who’re you helping? What are you doing? “

 

“You don’t understand- of course you don’t! You’re all brainwashed! They’re doing all of these things to you and you don’t even see it! You don’t understand! “ He yells, spit flying out of his mouth in anger. A vein, stretching across his forehead, was popping out as if it was about to explode.

 

“Lex- “ Lena breathed and ran to him quickly as he raised the knife, from the side of his body, to his throat. She’d grabbed the knife, the blade cutting into her palm, and threw it on the wooden floor of her brother’s bedroom.

 

 

Mother was never the same after he got send away, neither was Lena, though. Lena stopped going to school, she didn’t want to face hundreds of children who’d look at her in a weird way, all because of her brother.

 

“I’m not coming, “ Lena whispered through the phone, about to hang up when Kara’s voice spoke back.

 

“I miss you, “ She said, her voice quivering, implying she was on the verge of tears. “I- I- you know, it’s not helping just locking yourself away. “

 

“What are they saying at school? “ Lena didn’t know why she’d asked, she didn’t actually want to _know_. Her mind had raced away at night, thinking of every possible reaction she’d get once she’d go back to school.

 

“Nothing, “ Kara said. “They’re sorry about what happened, but no one’s talking about it anymore. “ She said the words quickly and Lena could hear how she was mumbling slightly, which means she’d chewed the inside of her cheek.

 

“You’re lying, “ Lena said. “I’m not coming back right now, Kara. “

 

“I know. “

 

“I don’t want to come back right now. “

 

“I _know_. “

 

Lena paused for a moment, thinking about how she hasn’t felt the weight lift off of her shoulders, not even a little bit, since it happened and how now, talking to Kara, is making her breathe easier. “But I would like for you to help me with my homework, please. “

 

Lena could literally _hear_ Kara’s smile through the phone and how she’d done her familiar twirl before hanging up. It only took her ten minutes to get to Lena’s house, outside the snow was piling on, leaving Kara’s yellow sneakers a nasty brownish color once she’d reached Lena’s front door.

 

They’d snuck up to Lena’s room, whispering at first until they’d turned on the radio Kara’s parents had bought for Lena as a birthday present and, yes, Lena cried when she opened the gift. “Your room is messy, “ Kara said, wrinkling her nose as she stepped into Lena’s room. Lena hadn’t thought much about it in the past week or so, she’s just been in bed. _How_ the room got to the state of total mess, she does not know.

 

But together they pushed off the laundry from the foot of the bed, sat down and tackled the piles of homework Kara had brought over for Lena.

 

 

It took two weeks and three days before Lena went back to school. Kara had dragged her all the way from her house to the school, telling her it would be okay and that nobody would even notice. But it was just as Lena had feared it would be. The moment she’d stepped inside the tiny, colorful classroom everyone had stopped talking to stare at her.

 

Instantly she’d turned around, forgetting she was holding Kara’s hand and draged her with her, and run to the bathroom, scaring away a little boy with the expression on her face. She didn’t know if she was sad or angry, her fists were clenched so hard Kara had to let go of her, her cheeks were red and splotchy and a deep, dark line had appeared between her eyebrows.

 

“Lena- “ Kara tried, but Lena put a hand up, telling Kara to not speak right now. Lena put her face over the sink and splashed cold water on her cheeks and forehead, blinking slowly as she steadied her breath. She didn’t realize her shoulders were up to her ears before Kara had put her hand on one Lena’s shoulders, shushing her slowly as to lure them back down.

 

“Lena, “ Kara tried again, pleased to see Lena didn’t cut her off this time. “It’s going to be really hard. But- look, they’ve been worried- just like me. Let them look at you, see that you’re okay- “

 

“I’m not okay, “ Lena whispered quietly, not knowing where the water from the sink ended and her tears started. “I feel like I’m pulling something heavy with my chest- my lungs- and nobody car- “

 

“Don’t say that, “ Kara says. Her voice was calm, though uncompromising, like the words ‘nobody cares’ was swearwords to her. “ _I_ care, Lena. They do, too. They just don’t know how to show it. Let’s just go to class, get through this day and we’ll see if we’re going to do it again tomorrow. You’ll decide. “

 

Kara grabbed her hand and tugged at it shortly before leading her into the classroom again. The teacher looked at the girls, Kara gave her a smile and a nod and they sat down at a table in the back. A tiny vase with flowers from the lawns outside of the school in it. Kara beamed down at them as Lena picked on of them up and gave it to Kara with a grin.

 

 

School didn’t make the pain go away, Lena knew that, but it made the days go by quicker and it made her think of other things than Lex. It was lunchtime, Monday – Lena’s favorite day – and the two girls were sitting with Winn, Mon-El, Lucy and a boy named James Lena didn’t know.

 

Winn and Mon-El were talking about a movie they’d seen together, both of them discussing the plot and neither of them getting it right. Lucy and the new boy, James, were fiddling with some pictures James had taken on his dad’s old camera. They were all of Lucy, wearing a pretty white dress with her hair down. He’d been shooting off compliments for the entire time they’d been sat there, though Lucy had insisted she didn’t look nice in the dress. The few times Lena had scooted over to get a closer look, she could easily see the discomfort in Lucy’s eyes in the photo’s.

 

She was pulled back to reality, after falling into the nothingness that was the other’s conversations, when Kara had taken her hand for a moment, obviously having said something to Lena for a while now. “Are you okay? “ She asked, a small smile on her lips.

 

Lena nodded quickly and smiled back, taking another bite of the apple Kara had brought for her. Mother had been forgetting to do lunches for a while now and Kara quickly found out if she didn’t bring anything for Lena, begging for her to eat it, she wouldn’t eat anything at all.

 

“Do you want my cheese-sticks? “ Winn asked Lena and she looked at him in confusion, not understanding why he’d ask. “Just- you know- I thought maybe you’d want some more food- I mean- I just- I wouldn’t get full just from- I mean- Like, an apple isn’t- “ He stopped talked as Kara shook her head furiously from side to side, waving her hands along with her.

 

“What are you talking about? “ Lena asked, her voice smaller, though angry, than normally. She looked back and forth from the people around the table, stopping at Kara who had her head down, almost touching her salad with her nose. “Kara? “ Lena asked, almost a whisper.

 

“I- we’ve just, you know, noticed that you haven’t really- I- well, “ Kara said, obviously struggling with her wording. Her hands got clammy really fast and she couldn’t even look at Lena. “We’re just trying to help out- “

 

“By giving me food? “ Lena asked, now standing up from the table, abandoning her apple on it. “I’m not- I don’t need your _food_. “ Lena sighed. “I’m _fine_. I- mother’s just… busy. “ She sat back down again, not having the energy to storm off.

 

“We know, “ Mon-El said, reaching over the table to try to take Lena’s hand, but she pulled it away, hiding it in her lap. The cut on the palm of her hand was still obvious, she’d tried to hide it for as long as possible, but people quickly found out when it’s a wound stretching across your entire hand.

 

“We’re giving you food because we don’t know what to do, “ Mon-El continued, leaving his hand stretched out between them. “Like- Lena, we don’t know what to do to help. We can’t say anything that’ll make you feel better. The easiest thing is just to give you something you need and can’t get yourself. “

 

“I can- I can get food, you know, if I really wanted to, “ Lena said, feeling her cheeks burn with embarrassment.

 

“Of course, “ James said, but the sound of his voice was not what she wanted to hear. He was a stranger and this was a personal thing, he’d talked like he knew anything about her, other than the rumors going round the school.

 

“We love you, “ Winn said and with those words Kara took Lena’s hand and held it tightly.

 

“It’s true, “ Kara whispered with a soft smile and Lena felt like her body was full of something heavy and warm. The dry spot in her chest was back, but it was different. It was not scratchy and painful, it felt like the words ‘thick’ and ‘fluffy’ felt when you say them out loud.

 

 

The weekends felt like more than two days. They felt like weeks within the week, keeping Lena from Kara and her other friends, keeping her from that nice feeling she’d get now, every time they’d hang out at school. She’d occupy herself with homework and the few essays they’d get, but after a couple of hours she couldn’t spend more time on it.

 

One day she’d walked downstairs as her stomach was rumbling hard, making her whole body hurt from hunger. She’d skipped breakfast and lunch had consisted of some fruit and leftover veg from Winn’s lunchbox. Lena walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge, the sight did not please her eyes. It was empty, nothing but some butter, cold water and a tomato. She looked in the drawers and cupboards, finding nothing but expired bread and an open pack of pasta.

 

“Mother? “ She whispered, walking into her bedroom. The TV was on and mother was lying down in bed, watching the news. Her hair was messy and the brown bits at her roots were starting to take over the black ends. Dark circles were lining her eyes, her lips were dry and cracked and she looked skinny in her big, messy bed.

 

“What? “ She grumbled, looking over to her daughter.

 

“We’re out of food, “ Lena said, trying to stand up straight, but she really just wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear.

 

“So? “ Lillian sighed, getting out of bed.

 

“So- so- “ Lena stuttered, not knowing how to end that sentence.

 

“ _So. What_? “ Lillian asked, walking up closer to Lena.

 

“So- I’m hungry. “

 

“ _You’re_ hungry? “ Lillian almost laughed, pushing her way past Lena and into the kitchen. She looked through the fridge, grabbing the butter and the tomato and throwing them on the counter. She took the pack of bread from the cupboard and threw it down with the rest. “You said there were no food left, right? “ Lena nodded. “ _Right_? “

 

“Yes, mother. “

 

“What is this, then? “ She asked, pointing at the food. Her eyes were popping like mad behind the blue bags around them and her lip was curled into a horrible grimace.

 

“It’s- it’s food, “ Lena whispered.

 

“It’s fucking food! “ Lillian yelled, pointing at Lena. “So why don’t you eat it? “

 

“It’s- the bread- it’s too old. “

 

“ _Really_? “ Lillian hissed, taking the bag with the loaf of bread in. Dark spots were forming on the back of it and Lena shook with the idea of ever eating that. “But it’s still food, which, actually, means you lied to me. “

 

Lena took a step back when Lillian threw the bred across the room with a scream. “Little girls don’t lie! “ She hissed again, her eyes being on the line of falling out, Lena was sure of that. “Go to your room! “

 

“I’m still hungry- “ Lena felt a searing pain on her right cheek and she fell to the floor, hitting her shoulder on the fridge’s open door. Tears fell soon after and she ran up the stairs and to her bedroom before her mother could say anything else.

 

When she looked in the mirror she saw the red, hot cheek and the bruised shoulder and went to bed, telling herself tomorrow would be better than today and that girls shouldn’t cry when the sun’s out. But darkness sometimes takes over and Lena had begun to believe that more and more.


	2. Under it

Lena remembers the day Kara told her she’d started seeing James outside of school. Kara had sat her down in the playground in one of the wooden houses. Her hair had been put up into a high ponytail, her blonde curls framing her face and her glasses sitting at the top of her nose, lifted by her cheeks from the massive smile she was carrying.

 

“I- I think I have a _boyfriend_ , “ Kara said and giggled uncontrollably. “I mean- I don’t know if we’re official yet or anything, “ She said, clicking her tongue. “But, like, he _kissed_ me. We were in my bedroom, my sister right next door, and he just _kissed_ me. I mean, like, on the cheek first and then on the lips and, Lena, it was pretty neat! “

 

“Only you could describe a kiss as ‘neat, “ Lena said, huffing out a breath as a laugh. Her throat felt dry and she felt something cold as ice run down her back. “But- “ She tried. “We _just_ started high school. You don’t feel like, maybe, you’d want to focus on school and not James- or any other boy for that matter. “

 

Kara’s smile disappeared slowly as she realized Lena’s words were serious. “What do you mean? Are you not happy about this? “ She asked, taking Lena’s hand. Her fingers were warm against Lena’s cold skin and Kara seemed to notice this. “Are you cold? “ She asked, shaking her head slightly.

 

“No- no, I’m- I’m fine. I just meant that- you know what, forget about it, “ Lena said and faked a smile. “I _am_ happy for you. “ She grinned until Kara pulled her in for a quick hug. Her phone beeped soon after and she grinned even wider, showing Lena the text that was filled with love hearts and smileys.

  
“I need to go, “ Kara said. “He’s waiting for me by the swings. Are we cool? “ Kara asked, already climbing out the tiny door. Lena nodded a yes as Kara turned to look back and, soon after, Kara had run off in the direction of the swing set.

 

It wasn’t that Lena didn’t like James, he really had grown on her during the past year. It was just that he was so obviously into Lucy, and she didn’t want Kara to get hurt. Lena had seen TV shows back in Kara’s room about people who’d interfere with their friend’s relationship and they’d end up messing everything up even more, making everything so much worse than it was in the beginning. So she made a promise to herself, as she tried to get the heat back to her fingers, that she wouldn’t try to talk Kara out of it, even though her head ached from the thought of Kara and James together.

 

 

“He doesn’t speak very much sometimes, “ A lady said. “And sometimes he never stops talking. “ She fiddled with something near the window, making sure it was closed and locked or something. “But he’s a nice kid, yeah, he really is. “ She turned around to look down at Lena and then up at Lillian, who had looked paler than ever before. Lena could imagine the thoughts running through the lady’s head as she looked at the state of them. “He’ll be in here soon enough, just finishing his game of basketball. He’s good at it, ‘best of them all here, actually. “

 

She left the room with a grin, closing the door behind them. Lena looked around and saw no similarities in this room and Lex’s bedroom back home. This room was light and boring, no pictures on the walls, no books he’d like, hell, not even a Gameboy or PlayStation. Back home Lex’s room was covered in posters from bands he liked or pictures he’d found online.

 

“She seems nice, “ Lena said, looking back at mother. Her eyes were cold and she’d crossed her arms and sat down on the bed, Lex’s bed. Lillian looked around the room, just like Lena’d done, but she had a snarled look on her face, like nothing there was good enough for her little boy. Lena’d wanted to say more, she’d wanted to ensure mother that it was a good place and a good thing for him to be there, but a thing in her stomach told her to just keep quiet otherwise she’d come home with another blue and green mark on her body.

 

“Lex! “ Lillian shrieked and ran to her son, holding him tight in her arms. “You look tired, “ She whispered, kissing the top of his forehead. His hair was shorter now, thinner in some spots. His skin was pale, though his cheeks were red from playing outside. He had grown a lot, started to get wider around the shoulders and arms from not playing videogames all the time. And when he spoke his voice was deeper and brighter, just like Lena remembered it from when she’d first met him.

 

“Hello mother, “ He said and hugged her back, letting go before she did. He turned to his little sister and smiled at her. “Lena, “ He said. “You look very pretty. “ And just like that, they were a family again. It had been so long since Lena had seen him; mother had been going to visit him alone, not letting Lena go join her. She’d written him letters and tried to call him a few times, but Lillian had found out and that had been how Lena’d gotten the bruise on her knee and the cut on the inside of her cheek.

 

 

“I’ve joined the basketball team here, “ Lex told happily as he stuffed his mouth with mashed potatoes. He was eating with a plastic spoon and Lena could tell that the man by the door was keeping a close watch on Lex. “We’re not very good, but we’re practicing loads. “

 

“That’s nice, “ Lillian said and beamed at her soon. “But- “ She tried. “How are you feeling, dear? “ She said. Lex put down his spoon on the table and leaned back in his chair. He looked like he was thinking hard about her question, smile fading slightly as his eyes read something in the air the others didn’t seem to see. “Lex? “ Lillian asked again, taking his hand quickly. “How are you? “

 

Lex looked from the table and back up at them and then broke into a kind smile, using his other hand to continue eating. “But there’s a big match coming up later this month and I honestly think we could win. “ Lena looked from her brother to mother, not understanding what had just happened. It was like watching a movie and skipping about five minutes of it.

 

 

Mother was talking to some people working there. She was across the room and people were making so much noise Lena couldn’t hear her. “Hey, sissy? “ Lex asked, sitting down on the wide couch next to Lena. “I’m sorry that you were the one who found me like that. All messed up and stuff. Do you forgive me? “ He asked. His eyes wore a hopeful look and just the plain thought of Lex thinking she wouldn’t forgive him, made that dry spot come back in her chest.

 

She hugged him tightly, wrapping her arms around neck until he leaned back after having laughing in her ear a little. That made the dry spot go away quickly. “I need you help, “ He said, keeping his cheerful smile. Lena wrinkled her brows and looked at him, confused. “See, “ He continued. “I’m perfectly fine in here; it’s been helping me a lot. I understand things a lot better now. But they’re still out there- “ He grabbed her hand quickly as she was about to walk away from him. “No, listen! “ He whispered harshly. “They’re still out there and they’re still after me. I need to stay in here, it’s the only place I’m safe. But you need to take care of mother and tell her that they’re coming- “

 

“Who’s coming? “ Lena asked, not liking the way Lex’s eyes became bloodshot and wide.

 

“The _aliens_ , “ He whispered the last word, looking around the room to check if anyone had reacted to his madness. “They will come to Earth and they will end us. For some reason I am the only one who knows, it’s like they’ve let me remember something, Lena. Are you listening? “ He grabbed her arm now and held it tight. She yelped from the pain, him having pressed on one of her bruises. A man ran to them and forced Lex’s hands off Lena as she ran away form him. “DON’T! “ He screamed loud enough to catch everyone in the room’s attention. “THEY’RE COMING FOR US AND YOU’RE NOT DOING ANYTHING! THEY LET ME REMEMBER THESE THINGS AND YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND! LET GO OF ME! “

 

Two men pulled him out of the room before Lillian could reach them. A lady had come to Lena, placing a hand on her back as she lead her to mother. “What did you do? “ Lillian hissed, looking at Lena who was crying. “What did you tell him? Lena! “ She raised her voice, but the woman standing next to Lena hushed her and told her what she’d seen, which wasn’t exactly what had happened, but it was enough to convince Lillian that Lena didn’t do anything wrong.

 

 

“You’re never seeing him again, “ Lillian said after getting back home. “He was doing perfectly well before you went on to talk to him alone. Now he’s going to stay there for much longer and- and it’s all your fault! “ Lillian yelled and slammed a door in frustration. Lena winced from the loud noise and was about to go back to her room, when Lillian seized her neck and held her tightly. “Do not walk away from me! “ She hissed in Lena’s ear. “You are a worthless little girl and having you around brings nothing but pain to me. Now go to your room and waist your time and dream about a life far away from here, because I know damn well that’s what I’ll be doing! “

 

That night Lena’s nightmares didn’t come and she could only think that it was because nothing in her mind was worse than what she’s living right now.

 

 

Summer started to show with the sun shining through the noisy classroom windows and Lena thought about how nice it would be to just sit outside for the rest of the day and relax with the sun on her skin and the fresh air blowing through her hair. But she got pulled back to reality when Kara accidentally knocked over her juice box with a laugh and James ran to the bathroom to get something to clean the table with.

 

“Dang it, “ Kara whispered under her breath as she tried to save some of her papers from her desk. “Now I have to start over. “

 

“Well, “ Lena said, leaning in closer to her. “Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to break the rules and drink something in the classroom? “ She smiled quickly and winked at Kara when she sighed at her.

 

“I’m just such a rule breaker, “ Kara whispered, pushing Lena slightly with her shoulder. Lena winced from the pain on her arm where Kara had hit her. “I’m not _that_ strong, “ Kara said, laughing worriedly.

 

“No, no. It’s- “ Lena thought for a second. “I just hurt my shoulder. “ She looked back down at her notebook and continued writing down the notes their teacher had written on the board. Kara’s eyes were burning through Lena, she could feel how Kara was worried about her. “I’m fine, “ Lena whispered and ignored Kara’s look for the rest of the class.

 

 

“We’re going swimming today! “ Winn yelled, holding Mon-El’s hand as they scooted down the hallway to catch up with the rest of the group. “D’you want to join? “ He giggled.

 

“Swimming? “ James laughed slightly.

 

“Sounds amazing! We’re all coming! “ Kara grinned and clapped her hands, doing her twirl as she took Lena’s hands and spun her around too. “It’ll be fun, Lena. You’re coming, right? “ She asked, low enough for only Lena to hear her.

 

“I- well- “ Lena shook her head slightly, knowing exactly what mother would say to this. “I don’t think I can. “

 

“Lena, “ Kara said, stopping her from walking as she still held her hand. “A lot of things have happened to you, you know, with Lex and all of that. I get that it’s hard to keep smiling, but- “

 

“But the sun’s out and it’s not a time to cry, “ Lena whispered, feeling the pressure behind her eyes and the dryness in her throat. Kara held the tip of Lena’s chin with her thumb and index finger, her fingers warm against Lena’s skin.

 

“Exactly. “ Kara beamed.

 

 

“Where are you going? “ Lillian hissed. Her hair was a mess and the dark circles under her eyes were taking up most of her face now. Her lips were dry and cracked and she looked like someone who’d been left out in the sun for too long, though her skin was pale and white.

 

“Swimming, “ Lena said as she packed her backpack quickly. “We’re going down to the beach. “

 

“The- the _beach_? “ Lillian repeated, surprised by Lena’s words. “And you think I’m letting you do this? “

 

“No, “ Lena answered. She stopped packing after having put her bikini on her bed, ready for her to get changed. “But I think that I’ve been trapped in this house for a very long time, and if you don’t want me to end up like Lex, I should be allowed to have at least one day with fun. And since the sun is shining and my _friends_ are going out, then I feel like going with them. “

 

Lillian didn’t say another word, just left the room with a slam of the door and walked away. Lena let out a shaky breath and shut her eyes. “The sun is out, “ She whispered. “It’s not a time to cry. “ She changed into her bikini and put on a summer dress Kara had picked out for her a long time ago. It was loose around her hips and legs, but a little tighter around her stomach and chest. It had little specks of fake paint on it, coloring the white background nicely.

 

 

“It’s so cold! “ James laughed, standing only with his toes under the water.

 

“It’s amazing! “ Mon-El laughed, already having swum out far enough for him to be under completely. Winn was standing in the sea, water just around his hips, feeling like the stomach was the worst part to get under. “Are you even trying? “ Mon-El laughed.

 

“It’s- I- I have a system! “ He shivered. “I- it’s all about- oh, just shut up! “ He laughed and within second Mon-El had swum up to him, grabbed his wrists and pulled him under with a laugh.

 

“Ready? “ Kara asked, smiling down at Lena. Kara untied the straps at her shoulders and her dress fell to her ankles with a swift move, revealing her yellow bikini that made her skin look tan and warm. “Lena? “ Kara laughed and Lena shook her head slightly, her cheeks going red.

 

“Y- yes. I- is that Lucy? “ She asked, looking out at the sea behind Kara. Kara turned around to see James holding Lucy tightly and swinging her around in the water, splashing it wildly around them.

 

“Looks like it, “ Kara said quickly, turning back to Lena. She blinked a few too many times and Lena felt like she should say something, she felt like she should tell Kara that it’s weird for him to be this close to Lucy. But she reminded herself that it’s not in her place to tell Kara what’s right and wrong when it comes to her relationship.

 

So she just unbuttoned the back of her dress and let it fall to her feet, just like Kara did, stepped out of it and took Kara’s hand with a smile, leading her to the water. She made sure to walk fast and let her long, dark hair cover her shoulders. She didn’t want anyone to notice the bruises on her body.

 

The water was cold against her skin, but Kara was under within seconds, so Lena sucked it up and let herself dive down. She’d forgotten how nice it felt to swim, to be underneath the water were noises disappeared and were she feels weightless. When the pressure in her lungs became too much she got up over the water, breathed in and out quickly and rubbed her eyes.

 

“Lena! “ Kara laughed and took her hand, pulling her out deeper into the water. “It’s- it’s so cold! “ She shook and crossed her arms, her teeth clapping together behind her open smile.

 

“You’re- you’re the one who- who wanted to get- get in! “ Lena laughed. It felt like tiny needles were digging into her skin. “Let’s- let’s just swim to the others. “ Lena smiled and turned around to see the rest of the group. They weren’t far away, Lena could still hear Winn’s complaints about the temperature and the amount of water James was spraying over him.

 

But Kara didn’t let go of Lena’s hand. “Lena- “ Kara said, almost in a whisper as if she’d lost her voice. “Let’s- let’s just stay here- I think. “ She sat down under the water, only her head and shoulders getting hit by the fresh, warm air. Her hair was wet against the sides of her face and her lips were almost turning blue.

 

Lena followed her lead and sat down too, the water covering her shoulders, making their height difference even more obvious. With her free hand she let her fingers brush against Kara’s cheek, removing the hair from her face to reveal the tinted cheeks. “You’re shaking, “ Lena whispered, only inches away from Kara. “Is it okay? “ She asked, not knowing if she was referring to the water or the fact that if Lena leaned forward just an inch or two, their lips would meet.

 

Kara nodded slowly, bit her bottom lip and smiled. Her eyes darted from Lena’s to something behind them. “Hold your breath, “ She said quickly and Lena did as she was told. Kara grabbed her by her shoulders and pulled her under the water quickly. Lena shut her eyes and felt the needles hitting her face now. But suddenly something warm and soft brushed against her lips and it took her a second to realize it was Kara’s lips.

 

She wished she could stay under the water forever, but the tug in her chest forced her to get up and catch her breath. By the time she’d brushed her hair away from her face and gotten the water out of her eyes, Kara was already swimming back to the group, not looking back at Lena a single time.

 

 

The sun had started to set by the time they went home. Lena opened the door to her bedroom slowly, trying hard not to make a sound. She sat down on her bed, her hair still damp and making her pajamas wet. She tugged herself in underneath her blankets and she tried to fall asleep, she really did, but the feeling in her chest was bugging her, keeping her mind awake. She couldn’t tell if she was happy about was happened in the sea, she honestly didn’t understand it. Kara had kissed

her that was one thing she was sure of. But the rest, all the other things, she wasn’t sure of any of it.

 

 

Sophomore year started the way Lena had feared. It was the first day of school after long summer break. Lillian had not let her hang out wit her friends at all, not even once. She’d forced her to clean the house and garden, telling her that if Lena had time to go to the beach she’d have time to help out at home.

 

The sun was still shining as they entered the familiar classroom. Lena felt dizzy from the heat, a cold water bottle in her hand to keep her from fainting in the middle of everything. She was wearing long jeans, a t-shirt and one of Lex’s old shirts, unbuttoned and crinkled, all just to cover the amount of bruises that had grown over the summer. She sat down on her seat at the back of the class and found her textbooks. Mon-El and Winn were sitting at the table in front of her, holding hands and whispering things in each other’s ears.

 

“Guys? “ Lena whispered, throwing a piece of an eraser at them to get their attention. “Where’s Kara? “ She asked, a little quieter now that the rest of the class was starting to get settled in their seats. She’d seen Kara outside of school, but she had lost her on the way in.

 

“She’s- hasn’t she told you? “ Winn asked, careful not to make too much noise. “James broke up with her last week and- and right before they opened the school, she saw him make out with Lucy- “

 

“What! “ Hissed Lena a little too loud. The teacher had stopped talking and stared at her angrily. “I- I- “ She tried to come up with an excuse, but her words failed to come. “Where is she? “ She asked Winn, not making any effort to keep her voice down now.

 

“Uh- “ He looked from Lena to the teacher and back at Lena. “Girl’s bathroom, “ He said quickly and turned back to the board, fiddling with his textbook. Lena jumped up from her chair and ran out of the classroom, the whisper of the people behind her flowing through her head.

 

She ran down the corridor, turned right and stopped for a second outside the door to the girl’s bathroom. She opened the door slowly and instantly heard the sound of quiet sobs in one of the stalls. “Kara? “ Lena whispered. It took a second and a half for Kara to get out of the stall and into Lena’s arms. “I’m so sorry, “ Lena whispered against Kara’s soft hair as they both fell to the floor, leaning up against the wall of the door.

 

“I- I wasn’t even upset about the breakup, “ Kara said between sobs. Lena dried Kara’s cheeks with the sleeve of her shirt. “It’s- I don’t know- it just feels weird, you know? To just see- see him out there- with her, with Lucy- she’s- she’s my friend and it only- it only- it only- “ She couldn’t get her words out and fell against Lena’s shoulder in a fit of cries.

 

“I know, “ Lena said calmingly. “He’s a dick. “ Kara laughed for a second before returning to crying. Lena wrapped her arms around Kara, holding her tight against her body until their hearts beat as one and Kara’s tears had stopped falling.

 

 

“I- I think first period is over- “ Kara mumbled as the two girls let go of each other and got to their feet slowly.

 

“Yeah, “ Lena said, keeping her eyes on Kara. “Do you want to go home? “ But Kara shook her head and dried her eyes. She took a look in the mirror, smiled a convincing smile and ran her fingers through her messy hair.

 

“Let’s just try not to fail chemistry, “ She said and winked at Lena as they got out, hand in hand, and went to their next class.

 

 

Lena didn’t think she was capable of hating someone as much as she hated James in that moment. Her fists clenched and her lungs hardened, she was sure her heart had stopped beating for a moment, just because she needed her entire body to be filled rage. It took a moment of weakness and the next she sees is her fist hitting James’s arm and him cursing something at her.

 

“You pathetic, useless, fat-mouthed piece of shit! “ She screamed, pushing him again and again until he pushed back. “What the hell is _wrong with you_!? “ Lena screamed, pointing at him in fury. “How- how can you possibly be _so idiotic_ that you’d hurt _Kara_ like that? Are you actually brain-dead or is it just all an act? “

 

“Get the hell away from me, Luthor! “ He snapped, turning away. Lena grabbed his arm and yanked at him to face her again. She straightened her back, making herself seem taller than she is, yes, James is about a head taller than her, but in that moment she felt like she could easily step on him and crumble him together. “She doesn’t deserve this, “ Lena said, ignoring the crowd of people that had gathered around them.

 

“You don’t know anything about this- “

 

“ _Oh_ \- I know plenty, James! “ Lena pushed him one more time and he grabbed around her arm, holding tight. She ignored the pain running through her body, he held around one of the newer bruises.

 

“Leave me alone, Luthor. “

 

“Yeah, “ Lena huffed, pulling herself away from him. “You deserve to be alone- and Lucy? “ Lena turned to look at Lucy who had been standing a foot behind James through it all. “Have fun with James, but remember he got together with you a week- no, not even a _week_ after he broke up with Kara. You’re dating a guy who’d do that, “ Lena said and turned around, pushing her way past the crowd.

 

 

“I heard what you did, “ Kara whispered, fiddling with the carrots on her plate. Lunchtime had rolled around and Lena hadn’t said a word to anyone since her fight with James. “You shouldn’t have- “

 

“But I did, “ Lena said coolly. “I- I lost my temper. “

 

“I know, “ Kara said. She let go of her fork and turned to look t Lena. “Thank you. “ She smiled softly, making the weight in Lena’s stomach disappear, just like that.

 

“Looks like Luthor is happy again! “ Someone laughs from another table. Lena and Kara both turn around to see who’s talking. “Are you already going crazy like your brother? “ He laughed and a few of the other boys around his table were laughing with him.

 

“Shut your feeding-hole, Maxwell! “ Kara spat and Lena laughed shortly before turning back to her lunch.

 

“Oh, _unclench,_ Danvers! “ He laughed. “Are you scared I might hurt that nutcase’s feelings? “

 

“No, I’m scared I might end up hurting _you_! “ Kara yelled back.

 

“Kara- “ Lena whispered, tugging at Kara’s sleeve. “He’s doing it for attention. Just- drop it. “

 

“Oh, come on! It’s no fun if you don’t join me, “ Maxwell Lord said, laughing even louder. “Are you not even a little annoyed? Look, Luthor, I just want you to be angry again. Like you were with James, remember? I can’t believe you actually punched him! “

 

“I just- I just _pushed_ him, Maxwell. Why don’t you go fail your next English test and leave me alone? “ Lena said, keeping her eyes on her food.

 

“At least that’s all I have to worry about, Luthor. You have a brother who’s gone insane, talking about aliens and the death and destruction of the world. “ The people at his table laughed again, kids were whispering around in the cafeteria. “Have fun going home to your mommy, go cry about your weird brother. Unless, of course, she’s insane too! “

 

Lena jumped up from the bench, held back by Kara, gripping at her shirt. “Lena! “ Kara yelled as Lena tried to run forward, gripping out after Maxwell, who had come close to her now.

 

“Touched a nerve, did I? “ He laughed, followed by his crew if idiots, they all left the cafeteria and after a few minutes, everyone went back to eating and talking about useless things.

 

“I’m going home, “ Lena said, before storming out one of the exits that lead directly out to the lawn. Her heart was beating in her throat, her head was spinning and she felt how sweaty her hands were. She looked down at them and saw the marks were her nails had dug into her skin. She hated this, she hated how she couldn’t control herself when she felt mad or angry. Just like- no, she shook her head. She’s nothing like mother.

 

 

The phone rang for a while until Lena picked it up, not wanting to find out if it was the school kicking her out because of her anger issues. “Lena? “ Kara’s hopeful voice sounded from the other end of the line.

 

“Kara, “ Lena whispered back, clutching the phone even harder in her hand.

 

“Do you want to come over? Can you? Please, “ Kara said and Lena could easily hear how much her voice was shaking.

 

“I’ll be there in five minutes. “

 

She packed her backpack, loading it with her toothbrush, pajamas, extra clothes, a few books she has borrowed from Kara a while back and some other little things. She checked mother’s room, she was sleeping. It _was_ almost midnight and outside the sun had settled long ago. Lena took her keys and locked herself out of the house, almost running to Kara’s house just down the street. After ten minutes she was standing outside the front door.

 

“Lena! “ Kara whisper-yelled and waved crazily at her. She was upstairs, her head and arm sticking out of her bedroom window. “You need come up here! “ She called again and pointed down at the trashcans and the ladder going from the ground and up to Kara’s window.

 

So Lena made sure her bag was securely on her back and climbed from the trashcans and up to the ladder, all the way up to Lena’s window where Kara helped her get in, holding onto her arms and legs to make sure she wouldn’t fall. The bruises hurt when Kara touched them, they were still hidden underneath her clothes.

 

“That was pretty cool, “ Kara whispered and smiled at Lena, pulling her in for a quick hug. Lena hadn’t been in Kara’s room for a long time, it had been a couple of months since mother had let out. Kara had moved around, her bed was now next to the wall of the window and her desk next to her closet, both of them opposite the bed. Fairy lights and posters were covering the walls, making everything flicker in the different colored bulbs.

 

“You look tired, “ Kara said, something about her voice sounded disappointed.

 

Lena shook her head with a smile as she put down her bag. “No, I’m not. “ She smiled and sat down on Kara’s bed because she didn’t know what else to do. There was something strange about this meeting, this late night coming over just to- to do what? Lena’s mind wandered and landed on the memory of the night they all went to the beach, she shook her heard quickly again, not letting herself think of such things.

 

Kara was her friend, her _best_ friend. She didn’t need anything else, nothing more than that.

 

“I- I just needed to make sure you were okay, you know. After the things Maxwell said- “

 

“I’m okay, “ Lena said. She scooted back on the bed until she hit the wall. Kara took the hint and sat down next to her, facing her. Lena noticed how her eyes were puffy and her nose was slightly pink, not just from the pink line of lights next to them. “Are _you_ okay? “ Lena asked.

 

“Yeah- yeah, I’m fine. I- James called me. “

 

Lena looked up from her lap and stopped fiddling with some dry skin on the back of her hand. “Yeah? “

 

“Yeah. “ Kara looked up at her ceiling and Lena followed her eyes. It was painted like a cloudy night, the sun painting the clouds pink and yellow, stars appearing between the pastel colors. “He told me what you did and stuff, was really cool about it all, actually. He understood you, said sorry to me and that he shouldn’t have gotten together with Lucy so quickly after our breakup. I told him- I- “ Kara took a long breath, her voice starting to shake again.

 

“It’s okay, “ Lena whispered, taking Kara’s hand. “We can talk about something else. “

 

“No- no, it’s okay. I told him to, uh, to go fuck himself- “

 

Lena couldn’t help but to let out an exasperated gasp. “Kara- Kara, did you just say a bad word? “ She laughed and Kara nudged her with her elbow, moving to sit next to against the wall.

 

“Shut your mouth, “ Kara said, laughing. “He hung up after that and- well, then I called you. “

 

“I’m glad you did, “ Lena said. Just now, Lena noticed the soft tunes of music playing from Kara’s speakers. It was low enough for Lena to guess that everyone else in the house were asleep. After a while, Lena shut her eyes and let her mind wander off to the lyrics of Frank Sinatra’s greatest hits.

 

“Lena? “ Kara whispered, suddenly. Lena opened her eyes quickly, her heart beating from the sudden talking, she’d almost fallen asleep just then. She turned her head to find Kara already looking at her. Her glasses were reflecting the light from the room, making her eyes multiple shades of pink and blue.

 

Lena saw it all happen in slow motion, the way Kara slowly parted her lips, the way Kara leaned forward until their noses were just barely touching, the way Kara’s eyes closed with an exhale and how her breath was caught on Lena’s lips and then, finally, the way Kara’s lips met hers in a kiss, Lena didn’t even know she’d needed.

 

It was soft and slow and the needles she’d felt in the sea during their first kiss came back, stronger and all over her body now, all the way down to her fingers, which were intertwining themselves with Kara’s. She let one of her hands fly up to meet Kara’s jaw, following the curve of her neck all the way down her arm, until she took her hand again.

 

She didn’t even remember falling asleep, nothing but the gentle feeling that filled her body and mind with sunshine.

 

When Kara’s parents eventually woke them up to get them ready for school, neither of them said anything about last night’s happenings. Neither of them knew why, they just didn’t.


	3. Marked

School went by faster than Lena had expected. Her days were filled with tests of all sorts, her teachers were acting strange ever since Maxwell Lord called her out in the cafeteria, but she decided to ignore it. There was nothing on her mind that could take up enough space for her to focus on it instead of Kara.

 

It only took five months and then the group was back together, James, Lucy and Kara, all good and well and nothing to hold against each other.

 

Fridays were starting to come around on Lena, she usually hated Fridays because they always led Saturday and Sunday, and _they_ led to two days without school, which eventually meant two days without Kara. But now mother had seemed to grow tired of making sure Lena was home all the time, and Lena felt freer than ever.

 

She was sitting in one of those movie-worthy-cafés with the group. The furniture was made of old, dark wood and rusty metal, the lighting was soft in some spots and harsh in others, photos and paintings were filling the brick walls and old fifties and sixties music was playing in the style of blues and jazz.

 

Even the staff looked like someone taken out of a movie, the girls had short, curly hair with high cheekbones and puffy cheeks, the boys had messy buns and thick beards. As they mixed the group’s coffees they looked like models at work, doing what they knew best.

 

“This place is amazing, “ Lucy said, smiling at the people around her. They were sitting by the window at a round table.

 

“Why have we never seen this before? “ Winn asked, eyeing out a waiter until Mon-el cleared his throat and Winn’s eyes darted back to his, his cheeks going slightly pink.

 

“I think it’s new, “ Kara said. Two waiters came over with their orders, smiled and thanked them for being there and everyone at the table mumbled some greetings and thank-you’s. “Why did they thank us? “ Kara giggled slightly.

 

“Okay, it’s getting kind of creepy. “ James laughed and everyone quickly looked at the staff that was working on full speed, their jawlines sharpening with every movement.

 

“Let’s just- whatever, “ Kara said and giggled. She stirred her hot chocolate and fiddled with her donut for a minute before breaking it into two and handing the other piece to Lena, who took it happily with a smile on her face.

 

“Sophomore year is almost over, “ Mon-El said and the group nodded in agreement.

 

“Feels weird, doesn’t it? “ Lucy asked. “How far we’ve gotten and how much we still have left? “

 

“Poetic, “ Winn said and grumbled in anger when Lucy stepped on his foot.

 

“You know what I mean, “ Lucy continued. “Like, we’ve known each other for such a long time now- and- and still we’re together. “ She took James’s hand and smiled at the group. Lena looked at Kara and noticed how her eyes flew from Lucy and James’s hands and back to her donut.

 

No one said anything, everybody thinking about something on their own. The music started to play louder and a couple people from across the room got up from their seats and started to dance along to the slow beat.

 

“What even is this place? “ Winn laughed, but his laughter stopped when Mon-El took his hand, leading him to the dance floor that had been cleared from tables and chairs. “No, no- Mon’- _no_ \- “ Winn moaned until he was out on the dance floor, swinging his hips horribly as he tried to catch up with Mon-El’s way too fast dance moves.

 

The others laughed at them from the table, Lucy filming it on her phone for a second before taking James with her out to join them. “Let’s show them how we do this, “ She giggled and James just nodded along.

 

“They’re crazy, “ Kara said, grinning.

 

“Yeah, “ Lena mumbled as she tore another piece of her donut off and ate it. “I’m glad the group’s back together, “ She said, eyeing Kara carefully.

 

“Yeah- mhm, it’s great. Uh, yeah. “ Kara shook her head slightly and continued to drink her coffee.

 

“Hey, “ Lena said and moved over to sit next to Kara. “It’s okay not to be okay yet. “

 

“It’s been, like, five months. “ Kara sighed.

 

“So? You were together for almost a year, “ Lena said and shook her head. “If I were you- I- I’d not be okay yet. “ Lena noticed how Kara’s eyes started to go glassy and her face was dropping from the people dancing and to her plate. “D’you want to go somewhere else? “ Lena whispered, her voice disappearing under her words.

 

Kara turned to her, her cheeks colored by the soft lighting. “I’d love to. “

 

 

The moon shined high in the sky above, giving off a cool lighting to the streets. Wind was blowing gently around them, making one end of Kara’s scarf fall behind her back over and over again. The two girls were walking side by side, neither of them saying a single word. People were passing them in the streets, laughing at something or holding their partner’s hand.

 

“I- “ Lena tired, but her words failed her once again. “I’m sorry about James. “

 

Kara turned to look at her. Lena found her smiling softly. “It’s okay, “ Kara said as she turned her eyes to the street in front of them. “It hurt, yeah, but, uh, other things are on my mind now, you know. “

 

“Like what? “ Lena asked, confused. Kara turned her head again, faster than before, as she met Lena’s eyes.

 

“Uh- “ Kara said, noticing how they had stopped walking. “School’s almost over. “ She continued to walk past the bars and shops, most of them closed. “It feels weird to be this close to finishing. “

 

“We’re not that close, “ Lena said, following close behind her. “We still have two years. “

 

“Yes, but- “ Kara shook her head. “It just feels strange. “

 

Lena didn’t quite understand the tone in Kara’s voice, she almost sounded _exited_. The thought of being somewhere else than in high school with Kara made Lena’s insides turn.

 

“A lot can happen in two years, “ Lena said in a low voice, almost a whisper. Kara didn’t seem to hear her, she just kept walking as she struggled with her scarf.

 

Though, after a while Kara cleared her throat and looked back at Lena once again. “A lot _has_ happened in two years, “ She said. The sky made a horrible breaking noise and was quickly followed by a big wash of rain. “We should get back, “ Kara said as she hurried down the street, but Lena felt like her feet were heavier than the ground she stood on. “Lena! Come on! “ Called Kara while she wrapped her head loosely in her scarf.

 

“I- I’m going home, “ Lena said and turned around.

 

“What do- Lena! Lena, what d’you mean? “ Kara asked, followed by a small laugh.

 

“I’m going home! “ Lena called as she walked with fast steps back to the main street.

 

 

She was soaking wet when she’d gotten home. She dropped her shoes by the door and stuffed them with yesterday’s newspaper, hoping they’d be dry by the morning. She took her pajamas from her bedroom and went into the bathroom across the hall. Mother would be asleep by now, and even if she wasn’t, Lena felt herself not caring one bit if taking a bath would wake her up.

 

She turned on the water and let it fill the bathtub halfway, dropping a bath bomb in dark-blue colors, she’d gotten from Kara a while back, in it. It twisted and turned, fizzing the shades out and dying the water like the night sky. She slowly let herself soak in the water, feeling how it was warm against her cold skin.

 

Her wet clothes were on the floor in a puddle of water. She thought to herself how it wouldn’t have made much of a different if she’d just worn the clothes into the bath.

 

Lena looked at herself in the water, how the color of the bath matched the bruises on her skin. The scar on her hand, which had once been a cut from the knife she’d taken from Lex on her 13th birthday, was paler than the rest of her skin. It stretched from just under her pinky to her thumb.

 

She looked at the marks on her knees from the many times she’d been pushed by mother to the floor. She looked at her tired reflection in the water, how her skin was dull and how her collarbones were sticking out too much. She looked at her trembling fingers and her torn nails and she hated every bit of herself. She hated what she looked like and she hated everything because of mother.

 

She hated mother with such a deep passion she couldn’t even recognize herself as the swearwords and curses went through her head. Lena took a deep breath and scooted down under the water. She focused on the silence it brought to her and let out the breath, hearing how the bubbles flew to the surface in seconds. Her lungs and chest started to hurt, but she ignored it. She kept her head under the water until she couldn’t anymore, and then she stayed there for a little while longer.

 

 

Lena woke up one morning, halfway through junior year in high school, to mother crying on the phone. She’d hurried downstairs and jumped at the sight of her. Tears were streaming down her face as she tried to make out words between sobs. She hung up the phone and threw it one the floor with a petrifying scream.

 

“He- he tried- Lena- he tried to do it- he tried to kill himself- again! “ She cried, slamming the door shut right in front of Lena, almost snapping Lena’s fingers in half.

 

Lena fell back a few steps, feeling suddenly out of breath. Her head started playing tricks on her, feeling like she was on a rollercoaster, going up and down, up and down. She found herself on the floor, not remembering how she’d gotten there. She tried to get up, but her legs failed her. She couldn’t, she just couldn’t.

 

 

Lena found the letter on the kitchen counter a couple of days later. She read through it over and over again, trying to understand every word.

_We are sad to inform that your son, Alexander Luthor, has been diagnosed with a personality disorder. He has shown signs of schizophrenia, among other mental illnesses. He will be moved to a different mental institution, the address is…_

Lena threw the letter back on the counter, not wanting to know any more. Her eyes were stinging again, but her stomach felt like stone. She was angry and she didn’t know why. She didn’t understand why she felt like this, why she felt hate towards her brother, who hadn’t done anything wrong. He was just not okay, just like Lena sometimes isn’t okay. It’s not his fault that he failed to see what is wrong and what is right.

 

 

The bruises grew bigger on her skin and Lena was finding it hard to cover them. She tried to hide her bruised lip with makeup, but hearing the comments on her sudden decision to wear lipstick was almost worse than coming up with some lie as to why her lip was blue and green.

 

It was on a Saturday night that Kara saw the marks on Lena’s body. They were lying in Kara’s bed, looking at the many lights as the music played in the background, but neither of them were looking at the other, though both of them were thinking about the last time they’d done those exact things.

 

“I’m really tired, “ Kara said suddenly and when Lena glanced a look at her, she saw the puffy eyes and the bags under them. “I think I’m going to bed. “ Kara leaped out of bed with a yawn and a stretch. She seized some pajamas from her closet and brought a spare pair to Lena, knowing Lena had forgotten hers. “I’ll just change in the bathroom. “

 

Lena nodded as she sat up on Kara’s bed, feeling the warmth coming from the spot where Kara had laid. She stood up after Kara had left the room and took the massive sweatshirt with the Supergirl logo on and laid it out in front of her. She then unbuttoned her lousy shirt and let it fall off her shoulders to the ground.

 

She heard a gasp from behind her and Lena took the shirt from the bed and threw it on quickly. “Lena, “ Kara breathed. Lena turned around, Kara’s eyes were big and she looked like she’d seen a ghost. “Lena- I- how- “

 

“Kara, “ Lena said, holding her hands out in front of her. They were shaking and sweating and she couldn’t come up with anything. She couldn’t come up with a lie as to why her back was covered in cuts and bruises. “I- “

 

“Who did that? “ Kara said, clenching her jaw rapidly.

 

“No one, “ Lena said. “No one, Kara. I- I just- Kara, it’s okay. Please, don’t tell anyone. Don’t be mad, I- “

 

“ _Mad_? “ Kara repeated as she walked closer to Lena. “I- “ She was breathing quickly, tears were forming in her eyes. “Please, take off your shirt. “

 

“What- Kara, it’s fine- “

 

“ _Please_ , take off your shirt, Lena. “ Kara repeated, her voice shaking slightly and Lena couldn’t tell if it was because she was crying or because she was angry. But Lena did as she was told and lifted the shirt up over her head and put it on the bed. She crossed her arms, covering her stomach, feeling exposed and unhappy.

 

“Who did this? “ Kara whispered. She was standing right behind Lena, her hands carefully hovering over Lena’s back and shoulders.

 

Lena shook her head, not knowing how to respond.

 

“Lena, “ Kara said, her voice more firmly now. “Tell me. “

 

“I- “ Lena tried, but she couldn’t get her words out.

 

“ _Lena_ , “ Kara said, her teeth clenched. She shut her eyes for a moment, trying to slow her breathing. “Did- did your mother- “

 

“ _No_ , “ Lena said firmly.

 

“Lena, I- “

 

“Kara, stay out of this. “ Lena shook her head. “I- this is not about you. Leave- leave me _alone_ , “ Lena said, whispering the last bit with her head towards the floor. Her shoulders were shaking from her cries. She hid her face in her hands. Kara’s arms flew around her until they both fell to the bed, Lena crying into Kara’s shoulder, as she shushed and cried with her.

 

Lena didn’t tell Kara about all of the things mother did, though she knew Kara had guessed most of it.

 

After that, Lena stayed with Kara almost every night, moving her clothes and things in one day at a time. Lena was grateful for the things Kara did for her, but whenever she was at home, with mother, she saw how mother would look at her, like Lena was doing the hurting in that house and it felt like a betrayal every time she left.

 

 

The winter in their senior year was rough. Snow was falling around them as they stood in line to one of the new superhero movies. Winn had been talking about it for months now, getting exited and jumping up and down whenever new photos got released – he cried when he saw the trailer, James wouldn’t let him forget that.

 

“I’m freezing! “ Lucy complained, cuddling in closer to James.

 

“I told you to wear warm clothes- “ James laughed.

 

“Yeah, yeah- whatever! “ Lucy mocked, knowing another preaching lesson was coming.

 

The wind was picking up and people automatically huddled up together. The line wasn’t moving and Kara was getting impatient, jumping up and down on the spot to stay warm.

 

“You have too much energy, “ Lena said, only loud enough for Kara to hear her. Lena kept her eyes on Kara as the big, puffy coat she was wearing swung up and down with her quick movements. Her hair was in two pigtails on each side at the back of her head, going from side to side as well.

 

“Winn! “ Mon-El moaned when Winn had held his hand too tight. “When can we get in- “ But just as he said those words, the line started moving with great speed and within ten minutes they were in their seats. James and Lucy had gone to get the group some snacks and something to drink, Winn and Mon-El were already cuddling up together on a joined seat.

 

“Those two, “ Kara giggled, looking over at them. Lena liked the dim lights and the soft whisper of the people around the movie theater. It’d been years since she’d last been in a movie theater but the feelings of excitement and calmness rushed over her quickly and she remembered the feelings like it was yesterday. “Ready for senior year? “ Kara asked, turning her head to look at Lena. It was her usual conversation starter and Lena hated the question more every time she heard it.

 

She shrugged and forced her eyes back to the big canvas, commercials were playing and the speakers were loud. “It’s going to be weird, “ Kara continued, either not understanding Lena’s hints about the horrible conversation topic or just ignoring them. “Have you found out what you’re going to do after high school? “

 

Lena shrugged again, Kara kept her eyes on her and she, Lena, was just about to say something when James and Lucy came back, holding bags of candy and popcorn and huge cups of soda. “Shh! “ Someone hissed from behind them and they all giggled until the movie started playing.

 

Loud music rushed over them, Winn squealed in excitement and then everyone went quiet. The characters came on the screen, the story was told, the lovable people in the movie either found love or died fighting for something Lena never really picked up on what was. Her head was pounding from the loud noises, she scooted down in her seat and shut her eyes.

 

Suddenly the memories of the cinema changed, she remembered why she hadn’t been there for so long. She hated it. She hated the darkness and the amount of people just sitting there, vulnerable to anything.

 

“Hey, “ She heard Kara whisper. “You okay? “ Kara asked, moving closer so her mouth was right next to Lena’s ear. “Lena? “ She whispered, the air from her mouth hitting Lena’s skin.

 

“Mhm, yeah, “ Lena mumbled and sat up in her seat again, wincing from the big flashes of light as guns fired and explosions happened on the screen.

 

“Do you want to leave? “ Kara asked and someone behind them shushed them again, grunting loudly in disapproval.

 

“No- no, uh. “ Lena cleared her throat. “I’m okay- I just- I’ll be right back. “ She hurried past the people next to her and out the door, he eyes adjusting to the sudden light. Lena walked down the corridor, past the glass doors she stood outside not long ago. It was snowing even harder now and people had left the streets. She saw the bathroom sign not far from her and headed that way, rushing past a couple of boys her age who were talking about the movie they’d just seen. “Sorry, “ She muttered and ran to the bathrooms.

 

An elderly woman walked out right when Lena walked in, now the room was empty. The stalls were on her right, the sinks on her left. The mirrors where almost completely covered in movie posters and stickers. Only spots around eye height were free from anything. Lena turned on the tap and washed her hands and face, letting the water run down her arms under her sleeves. It’s cold and fresh against her skin.

 

Her breath started to slow down, her pulse getting back to normal and she could see properly again – she hadn’t even realized the splotches of black when she looked around. “ _God_ , “ She whispered to herself. “Just- pull it together _for once_. “ She looked up from the sink and to the mirror. Her hair was long and dark, making her skin unnecessary pale and her lips were stained from her red lipstick.

 

She stayed out there for the rest of the movie, begging Kara through her thoughts not to come looking for her. Once she heard the sound of people shuffling out of the theater she grabbed her purse, she’d swung it over her shoulder when she’d stormed out, and walked slowly out of the bathroom. The group was outside, all shuffling in under the tilted roof to keep their clothes dry. The pretty snow had turned into a horrible rain.

 

“Lena! “ Kara grinned, grabbing her hand instantly when she saw her. “You okay? “ She asked as the group started walking with their heads low down the street. Lena nodded and smiled, trying to ignore the awkward tension the group was giving off.

 

“How was the movie? “ She asked when they’d all settled into the café down the street. She had her hands around the warm mug of coffee, her fingers slightly sticky from the doughnut she’d shared with Kara a minute ago.

 

“It was cool, “ James said.

 

“Yeah, it was okay. “ Lucy smiled comfortingly.

 

“Cool? _Okay_? “ Winn repeated, his jaw dropping and tensing at the same time. “It was better than expected- I mean, like, did you guys even _watch_ the movie or were you too busy making out? “ He huffed. Mon-El grabbed the sleeve of his loose blazer and winked at him. “Okay- so we’re leaving. “ Winn mumbled and the two boys shuffled out of their seats and hurried out.

 

“What was that about? “ Lucy asked, obviously afraid she’d made him really angry.

 

“Oh- they’re just, uh, you know, it’s their sign, “ Kara said and smiled.

 

“Their _sign_? “ Lucy repeated, not understanding.

 

“Well, you know, it’s- like, it’s their- “

 

“It’s their sign to go- “ James said, getting cut off by Lena.

 

“They’re about to have sex, Lucy. “ Lena giggled, sipping down the remainder of her coffee.

 

“Oh, “ She said, her cheeks turning pink. She laughed it off and took a bit bite from her carrot cake as an excuse not to say anything.

 

“Anyone want more coffee? “ James asked, laughing under his breath at Lucy’s reaction. They all nodded and Kara followed him to help.

 

“Hey, Lena? “ Lucy asked, crumbling her used napkin in her hand. Lena looked away from the window and back at Lucy. They were sitting right next to the main street, cars were driving through the heavy snow. The lights from the different shops were flashing in the dripping water.

 

“Yeah? “ Lena said.

 

“So, like, uh, you know- “

 

“ _Lucy_ , “ Lena said, smiling kindly to her.

 

“Right- words. “ Lucy laughed nervously. “Do you hate me? “ Lucy asked. Lena was taken aback from the sudden question, her smile fading slightly. “Just- “ Lucy continued when Lena didn’t speak. “It’s just that you never actually talk to me unless you have to- and, like, everything that happened with James and Kara and me- it just kind of feels like you never really moved on. And I like you, Lena. “ Lucy put her hand on Lena’s and smiled. “I feel like you and I could really become great friends if it weren’t because of all those other things and- “

 

“Lucy, “ Lena said. She breathed deeply, not knowing what to say or _how_ to say anything. She was feeling that anger again, the one that had just bubbled up without warning when she’d found out about James and Lucy. “I- I don’t hate you, but I understand if that’s what you think. To be honest, yes, I do find it hard to move on from what you and James did to Kara. She’s my best friend and she means the world to me, I don’t like seeing her get hurt. She never did anything wrong and you both hurt her. “

 

Lucy removed her hand from Lena’s. She stared down at the spot were her mug had been, it had left a wet ring on the table. “I- “ She muttered, but Lena continued.

 

“Kara says she’s moved on and that she’s fine- and if she is then that’s okay, it’s great, actually. But I don’t just do that- I don’t just move and on and feel fine again. You hurt her and I can see it in her eyes every time you and James just do as little as breathe the same air. He was her first love and he broke up with her to be with her friend, that’s not okay. So, Lucy, I don’t hate you but I also don’t particularly like you. “

 

Lena’s words were cold and monotone, her eyes stayed on Lucy’s for a moment until she looked back outside. The rain had gotten worse. Lucy breathed in and out a couple of times before trying to speak.

 

“You- “ She said, clearing her throat. “You’re not mad at me because I hurt Kara. You mad at me because- because you love her and you don’t know what to do with that- “

 

“Shut up, “ Lena muttered, her eyes stuck on the raindrops on the window outside. “Lucy, you don’t know what you’re talking about. “

 

“You’re right. I don’t. I get that it must be hard to have to deal with all of those things, I know life hasn’t really been easy on you and, Lena, I truly am sorry for all the shit you’ve gone through. But keeping quiet about your feelings for her only makes everything worse- “ Lucy tried.

 

“You need to shut up, Lucy. You’re wrong, okay? I don’t- I- I don’t _love_ her. You’re trying to change the topic, you’re loosing. “

 

“ _Whatever_ , “ Lucy said and shrugged, her smile reappearing when James and Kara came back with a coffee in each hand. “Hey, “ She said and took the coffee from James’s hand to help.

 

They stayed at the café for an hour or two, talking about the movie, about Winn and Mon-El, about the party that’s coming up next friday and how they’re all ready to let go of the last bit of high school- well, all expect for Lena. Her stomach clenched with every mention of ending high school and moving on to college or something else. She didn’t like thinking about going somewhere else and she felt the weight around her chest and throat with every day passing.

 

 

They got the last period off the next Wednesday, so Kara and Lena hurried back home to Kara, greeting her parents in the kitchen. They were preparing to go out, dressed up in nice clothes and doing their hair together. There was money on the counter for the girls to order pizza. Kara’s sister Alex had her girlfriend over, Maggie.

 

“Have fun, girls! “ Kara’s mother called as they shut the door after them and left the four of them alone.

 

“When do we eat? “ Kara asked, waving the two twenty dollar bills in the air. Alex walked over quickly, snapping them out of her sister’s hand with a clever smirk.

 

“Not yet. We’ll call the pizza guys, just write down which one you want. “ She pushed over a block of paper and a pen as Kara and Lena looked through the many options. They settled on one with pepperoni, mushroom and extra cheese and one with pineapple, though Kara had protested, ham and extra cheese.

 

Kara and Lena ran up the stairs to Kara’s room after ordering. They shut the door slowly and Kara began to turn on her many lights, letting the room wash over in the soft changing lights. Lena dropped down on Kara’s bed and shut her eyes for a moment. She stretched her arms high over her head and gave off a big, fake yawn. Kara had turned on the music, the same Frank Sinatra CD they’d listened to for as long and Lena can remember.

 

“Lena, “ Kara said, her voice an odd, serious tone. Lena let her arms fall down over her head and turned to look at Kara. “I- don’t be angry with me, “ She said and walked slowly to the bed, as if she’d startle Lena. “But- I- look, I just need to talk to you about something. “ Lena sat up, running her fingers through her messy hair and behind her ears.

 

“What’s wrong? “ Lena asked, she could feel how her heart suddenly started racing in her chest.

 

“I- “ Kara tried. She sat down in front of Lena, one leg curled underneath her and the other hanging over the edge of the bed. She was fiddling with her frayed jeans. “I need to know about the bruises, “ She said, her eyes darting up to Lena’s. “I- I’ve tried not to say anything or to push you into anything, I didn’t want you to feel cornered or attacked. Lena, I’d hoped you talk to me about it at some point, but it’s just been too long now and I can let it go on for any longer. “

 

Lena bit her lip hard, feeling how her skin went numb. Her hands were sweating but she felt cold, her head was heavy but she felt like she could just float away.

 

“Please, say something, “ Kara said. Lena looked at her through her long eyelashes. Kara was crying. She’d made her cry.

 

“Don’t- don’t cry, “ Lena said, her voice vanishing with every syllable. “I- “ She shook her head. “I don’t want to talk about it, Kara. That’s why I haven’t said anything. It’s not- it’s not that big of a deal, you know. “

 

“It’s not? Lena, I mean, she’s _hurting_ you. She’s physically hurting you and you’re just letting it happen. “

 

“It’s not- mother is not doing this, “ Lena mumbled through gritted teeth.

 

“Then who is, Lena? Who else is doing this to you? Because, I’m sorry for saying this, you live alone with her and every time you go home and then come back here, I see more bruises- “

 

“You’ve- you’ve looked for them? “ Lena asked, feeling the tears push trough her eyes.

 

“No- I- when we’ve been hanging out, cooking or doing stuff. If you’ve rolled up your sleeves for a moment or just rolled over in your sleep, your shirt’s been over your stomach or something- look, Lena, it doesn’t matter. I just can’t let this go on anymore. “

 

“Well, you’ll have to, Kara. Because- because, as I said the last time, this is none of your business. What she does to me is- it’s nothing huge. I can take it- I mean, I understand why she does it. I’ve not- sometimes I’m not very nice to her and- “

 

“’Not very nice’ doesn’t mean it’s okay to _hit_ you! “ Kara yelled. Her face turned red and her fists clenched. “Lena, there is nothing you can say to me that’ll make me forget about this. I’ve thought about it every day since I found out. Why are you letting her do this to you? Why are you not getting help? “

 

Lena jumped up from the bed. “What do you want me to do!? “ She yelled. “I can’t force her to stop! I don’t want anything to happen to her! She’ll- she’ll be taken away and I’ll just end up somewhere else, Kara. I can’t do that. I’m- I’ll move out eventually and I’ll get a different life, I know! I just- it’s making her feel better, I can see it in her eyes, Kara. She’s hurt- she’s just a mother who’s hurt because she messed up and she knows it! “

 

“She is _hurting_ you, Lena, “ Kara said, trying to force her voice to stay calm. “She is _abusing_ you. Let me help you. Let me tell my parents and they’ll get you out of there and- “

 

“No! “ Lena yelled, her eyes piercing through Kara’s. “I don’t want your _help_! “ She spat. “I want you to be my friend, Kara. I just want you to be here- “

 

“I- I can’t, “ Kara said, shaking her head. Her cheeks were wet from tears, they’d fallen down her neck and to the rim of her shirt. “I- you are my best friend, Lena. I can’t just let these things happen to you. If you’re not going to get help for your own good, then do it- do it for me, Lena. Think about how painful it is for me to just let you go through these things- “

 

“Don’t make me feel like the bad guy here, “ Lena said.

 

“I’m not! I’m sorry! Look- “ Kara breathed slowly. “If it were me in your position- if it were me getting abused like that, getting those bruises and cuts and scars, wouldn’t you tell someone? “ Kara took a couple of steps forward, letting her hand graze Lena’s. “I want to help you, “ She whispered.

 

Lena shook her head and tried to turn away, she tried so hard. Her head was hurting and her body was tired, she wanted to pause this and do it some other time. “I don’t need your help, “ She whispered back, her lips trembling. The soft light flickered and colored their skin, the music played in the background and they could hear the muffled voices of Alex and Maggie in the room next door. She felt like she was looking at them from above, looking down at their hands that were almost intertwined, looking down at their puffy eyes and wet cheeks and looking down at their lips slowly getting near the other’s.

 

“I can’t do this if- if you’re not going to get help, “ Kara whispered when Lena was just an inch from her. “Tell me you’re going to get help. “

 

Lena shut her eyes and stood still for a moment too long. Then she leant back and shook her head. “I’ll be leaving tomorrow, “ She said before crawling back into bed.


	4. On My Way

Lena stayed in bed until Kara had left for school. When she had made sure the house was empty she stuffed her bag with all of her things and swung it over one shoulder as she slumped home, locking the door to the Danvers’s house behind her and hiding the key under the doormat. Sun was shining and birds were chirping as she dragged her steps on the pavement until she stood in front of her house. Inside the light was off, the TV still running in mother’s room. She was fast asleep, bottles of different sorts lining the rim of her bed.

 

Lena shook her head slowly, bit down hard on the tip of her tongue and walked to her bedroom. Her bed was messy, matching perfectly with the rest of her room. It was cold and dark. Lena dropped her bag to the floor. She took off her jeans and crawled into bed, without making a sound. She felt the pain of everything that had happened in the past twenty-four hours tugging hard at her chest. She let out a line of muffled cries before eventually falling asleep.

 

 

Lena came to school late most of the days up until Friday, and even after coming to school she only stayed for a couple of classes before going home again. It was getting warmer and warmer outside and she couldn’t stand wearing long jeans and shirts all the time. On the Friday of the party she wore loose trousers and a t-shirt to school. Her arms were almost completely covered in the bruises and cuts, a long scar extending from her elbow to her wrist from when mother had pushed her into the glass cabinet and she’d cut herself on it.

 

People stared and whispered and some even looked like they cared about her for a moment, but then she reminded herself that they didn’t. Of course they didn’t. They looked at the blues and greens and yellows on her skin and judged her based on it, and then they kept living their life like nothing had happened.

 

A teacher pulled her aside during a lesson, asking her what had happened to her. Lena told her she’d started a new boxing team and she was practicing pretty roughly, the teacher didn’t believe her but didn’t say anything else about it. Lena reminded herself that it’s easier to help others if you just stay quiet about it, that’s why no one was doing anything.

 

“Lena, “ Kara said after English, trying to grab Lena’s hand. Kara’s eyes were watering and she bit her bottom lip as to keep herself quiet. “I- “ Lena shook her head before Kara could say anything else. Lena kept walking, not looking back to see if Kara was following her, because of course she wasn’t.

 

 

Lena straightened her hair even though it was already straight. She put on a dark lipstick and tried to do eyeliner nicely, but ended up smearing it to make it look smoky. She found a dress she’d bought a long time ago. It was short, just above her knees, and hugged her body attractively. It was black with velvet patterns running up one side of her body and up to her chest, where a sheer piece was covering her chest and a bit of her neck. Her arms were bare and even after spending all day in short sleeves, she felt self-conscious about it. So she threw on an old flannel and rolled up the sleeves to just over her wrists and left her house.

 

 

The party was slow at first but after getting a few drinks she started to talk to some people about things she didn’t care much about. They were all talking about stuff from school and Lena didn’t want to think about school. She took another drink and another and another and eventually she joined every conversation she found herself getting intrigued by. She won a couple games of beer pong and some card games.

 

She could feel her fingers getting tingly and her cheeks getting more and more pink. People were all moving so very fast and she tried to keep up with the dances and the games and the conversations, but she eventually found herself in the bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror, trying to convince herself that she wasn’t even _that_ drunk.

 

“Lena? “ A soft voice spoke and Lena turned around. “Lena, are- are you alright? “ Lucy asked, smiling slightly. People walked around in the hallway outside the bathroom, Lena had apparently not shut the door behind her. “Dude, “ Lucy said, laughing slightly. “You look like you could use a break. “ Lucy led her out of the bathroom, down the hall, down the stairs – not with ease, though – and outside. The air was still warm against Lena’s skin and suddenly she found herself sitting in the grass, _god_ , it was soft.

 

“Lena, seriously, do you need to go home? You look pretty rough, “ Lucy said. She put down her beer on a bench and tried to help Lena up from the grass.

 

“No, _no, no, no_ , “ Lena mumbled. “I- look- I- this is nice, “ Lena said when Lucy took her hand to drag her up. Lucy dropped her on the ground and fell down, too, laughing too much to continue. “You’re really nice, you know, when you’re not being a dick and stuff. “

 

“I’m being a dick? “ Lucy asked, smiling slightly.

 

“Yeah, yeah- like, you know, with Kara and Jimmy and- “

 

“Jimmy? “ Lucy repeated, laughing again.

 

“Yeah- you know, you call him James- Jimmy, you call him Jimmy, Lucy. “ Lena heard how her words came out long after she’d thought them through and sometimes they came out _before_ she’d thought about them.

 

“I’m guessing you’ve never been drunk before? “ Lucy asked, grinning and giggling.

 

“Is it- is it _that_ obvious? “ Lena laughed.

 

“Yeah, kinda- Kara! “ Lucy shrieked with a great smile before jumping off the ground and to her feet. “Lena’s- well, she’s not good with alcohol. “

 

“ _Lena_ , “ Kara said in an almost scolding voice. They hadn’t spoken for most of the week, but Lena couldn’t describe the cheerful feeling she was feeling inside of her stomach right now. It was overwhelming the pain she felt in her knee after falling to the ground. “I’ll take her from here, “ Kara said, waving Lucy off with a thankful smile.

 

“You look nice, “ Lena said, smiling wide.

 

“Thank you, “ Kara said and laughed slightly. “Do you want to go back inside? “

 

“ _No_ , “ Lena yelled followed by a laugh. “Do you like my dress? “ She asked, only realizing she said it out loud when Kara looked her up and down.

 

“I do, “ She said.

 

“I picked it because I thought you’d like it. “

 

“That’s very nice of you, “ Kara said.

 

“So you like it? “

 

“I do, Lena. “

 

“I really wanted you to like it, “ Lena said. She didn’t understand how her mouth was forming the words, her face felt hot and numb.

 

“Why? “ Kara asked.

 

Lena turned to look at her. “Because I wanted you to compliment me, I think. Because your opinion matters to me. “

 

“Why? “ Kara asked again, looking down at the grass and then up at the moon, which shined brightly above them.

 

“Because- you know why. “ Lena looked down at their hands. They were both leaning back against the bench, hands between each other.

 

“I don’t, “ Kara said and Lena didn’t understand. _How could she not know?_ Lena thought hard about that for a while. “I- “

 

“What? “ Lena asked, happy to hear her voice again.

 

“Maybe I should follow you home? “ Kara asked, but Lena was sure that Kara didn’t mean that. She didn’t sound like she wanted to do that right now.

 

“I don’t want to, “ Lena said and she felt like a little child. “I- I want to be here- with you, I mean. This is- it’s nice. “ Lena rested her head back on the edge of the bench, feeling the hard wood against the back of her head.

 

“This _is_ nice, “ Kara said happily. “I’ve missed you this week. “

 

“I’ve missed you more. “

 

“I don’t want you to stop talking to me. “

 

“I love you, “ Lena said, turning to look at Kara. She felt tears running down her cheeks and she didn’t understand why.

 

“Lena- you’re drunk. “

 

“I am- I know I am. But I know that I’ll never have the courage to say this if I’m not- “

 

“Lena- “

 

“No- _no_. “ Lena shook her head. “I love you, Kara. I- you’re perfect. You’re so, _so_ perfect that it hurts to look at you for too long. Sometimes it even hurts just to be in the same room as you. I’ve known you for my entire life and this- these things don’t just happen. You don’t just _feel_ these things for someone. Not like this, anyway- “

 

“I don’t- Lena, I don’t want to talk about this- not when you’re drunk. You’re not being yourself right now- “

 

Lena stood up from the ground quickly, her head spinning for a moment. She seized the bench and blinked. Kara was standing up now. “You kissed me… In the water years ago, I mean- you kissed me even though you were with James, Kara. That _has_ to mean something- “

 

“I was- I was angry with him for being with Lucy so much, Lena. We were, like, fourteen- “

 

“You kissed me in your bedroom, “ Lena said. She was surprised to find her arms crossed across her body and her bottom lip in an angry pout.

 

“I was confused. “

 

“I’m not, “ Lena said, letting her arms fall to her sides. “I love you and I’m not confused about it. I’ve loved you since the first day in kindergarten, Kara. You have to feel something for me, too. This is- this is not just a friendship, _please_. “

 

“Lena, I don’t want to talk about this when you’re drunk. I don’t want this right now- “

 

“I get it, “ Lena said, taking a step back but seizing the bench again.

 

Kara sighed loudly from behind her. “Don’t be angry with me for not wanting to discuss this when you’re drunk. “

 

“I’m not angry about that. I’m angry because- because nothing ever works for me. I don’t ever get the things I want, Kara. But I still keep hoping and thinking that I’ll get the things I thought I deserved, but- “ She shook her head. “Life sucks, right? “ She laughed a little, tears still falling. She bit her lip hard and looked to the ground. “My mom’s hitting me- she’s hurting me every day, Kara. But I’m not doing anything about it and I can’t tell you why because I don’t even know why. I just let her do it because it’s the easiest. My life is shit, Kara, but I deal with it because I have to. And the one time I try to deal with a good part of my life I- I don’t get to be happy- “

 

“Lena, let’s talk about this tomorrow. “ Kara sighed.

 

“I’ve said what I wanted to say, “ Lena whispered and bowed slightly. She took the drink Lucy had left on the bench and downed it quickly, ignoring Kara’s protests. “I’m going to go have fun. Unless you have anything to say to me? “ She waited for a moment, Kara said nothing. “Great, fine. We’ll see each other later, then. “

 

 

Graduation went by nicely. Lena’s name was called, she walked up the stage, got her piece of paper and thanked her teachers, then sat down nicely with the other kids. They did the whole ‘High School Musical’ thing when they threw their hats high in the sky. But even though she laughed with her classmates and talked to her teachers about the future, she still had a boiling hot ball in her stomach and she felt like she was going to shatter any moment.

 

“Mom- “ She said, looking flustered at the sight of Lillian wearing a nice dress and her hair in a tight bun on the back of her head. “What’re you- “

 

“I came to see my daughter graduate, “ Lillian said, not a trace of embarrassment in her voice. “You looked nice up there. “ Her voice changed to a soft tone and Lena swore she almost saw the trace of a genuine smile.

 

“T- thank you, “ Lena stuttered.

 

“Are those your friends? “ Lillian asked, nodding towards Kara, James, Lucy, Mon-El and Winn, all standing in a small circle whispering things and looking over once in a while.

 

“Yes, “ Lena said. It must’ve been years since mother had seen any of them.

 

“Do you want to go see them? “ Lillian asked.

 

Lena thought about it for a moment. She hadn’t talked to them for months now, not since the party, really. She’d been partnered with Winn in biology class and she had to help Lucy with an art project because her teacher told her to, but other than that she hadn’t had a real conversation with any of them.

 

“No- no, I’m good. I’ve said my goodbyes, “ Lena said, looking to the ground. “Do you want to go back home? “ She asked, looking hopeful up at her mother.

 

“I do, dear. “

 

“Let’s go, then. “

 

 

“Dinner’s ready! “ Lena called, carrying the hot pan to the dining table. Lillian hurried out of her bedroom, wearing sweatpants and a nice shirt. Her hair was in a ponytail and she was reading through some papers before leaving them on a kitchen counter. She sat down across the table from Lena and smiled at the meal she’d prepared.

 

“Looks good, “ Lillian said. She took a bite from the mushroom pancakes and nodded. “You’re getting better. “

 

“Thank you, mother. “ Lena smiled and ate her food, too. “So, “ She said after a minute of silence. “I have some news. “ Lillian looked up from her plate. “I’ll be leaving for college after summer break. I finally got my letter, it was stuck in the mail somewhere, I don’t know, but, mother, I got in, “ Lena said excitedly.

 

“You- you’re- you’re leaving? “ Lillian repeated, dropping her fork to the floor. Lena’s smile faded quickly, her heart starting to race in her chest.

 

“Yes, I mean- I still have a couple of months, you know- “

 

“You’re not leaving, “ Lillian said, ending the discussion by leaving the table. “Thank you for dinner. “

 

“Wha- mother, _no_ , “ Lena said, turning in her chair. “I’m leaving in two months, okay? I’m getting an education like you’ve always wanted. How can this be a problem? “

 

Lillian stopped walked, sighed loudly and turned to her daughter. “It’s not a problem, Lena. It’s too late for you to just _leave_. I- I’m still looking for a real job, you know that. If you leave I’ll be forced to- “

 

“To cut down on a lot of things, I know. You’ll have to save up some money, mother. Look, you’re doing so well, really. I’m so proud of you for everything that you’ve done in the past couple of weeks. I know that you’re ready to do these things by yourself- “

 

“I’m not! “ Lillian yelled, a vein pumping in the middle of her forehead. “I- I don’t want you to leave. That’s it! “

 

“I’m leaving, “ Lena said, shutting her eyes for a second. “I’m leaving for college and you’ll have to do these things alone. _That_ ’s it! “ Lena stormed to her bedroom, but before she could shut her door, Lillian had grabbed her wrist and pulled her away from her room.

 

“Listen to me! “ Lillian bellowed. “You’re not going anywhere. I’ve raised you to take care of people, to think about others! _Now_ is the time to show that you can do that! “ She dug her nails into Lena’s skin until Lena let out a loud cry and fell to the floor. Little specks of blood coming from the cuts in her skin.

 

 

Lena didn’t say another word about college for a week. She was walking to the grocery store with plastic bags filled with bottles in her hands. She walked inside the store and over to the deposit machine and started going through each bottle to get money from them.

 

“Lena? “ She turned around quickly, almost dropping a bottle from the sound of her name. “Oh, my god. Hi! “ Kara smiled widely. She took a step closer to Lena as if she was going to hug her, but Lena shuffled the last bag of bottles to keep herself occupied.

 

“Hey, “ Lena said and smiled. She looked down at herself and wished she’d worn something else than loose jeans and an old t-shirt.

 

“I- we all miss you, you know, “ Kara said. She wrenched her hands together and started fiddling with one of her rings.

 

“Yeah- uh, I miss you, too. “ Lena smiled awkwardly. She pressed a few buttons on the machine to receive her money and stuffed them in her back pocket.

 

“We should hang out- soon. We’re thinking about going to the beach sometime if you want to join? I’ll text you the details- “

 

“Kara, “ Lena said. “I- I’m really busy right now. I- I don’t think I’ll be able to come. “ She shook her head.

 

“Oh, “ Kara said, her smile fading quickly. “Uh, yeah okay. Well, you know, just call me. I- I really miss you, Lena. Like, this is the worst. “ She shook her head quickly. Her eyes were starting to water but laughed her tears off. “You’re my best friend and then suddenly you just disappeared from my life, Lena. That’s not- it’s not fair. You can’t do that, okay? “

 

“I did and said some stupid things at that party and- it’s just easier not to get mixed up in those things again- “ Lena mumbled.

 

“I don’t care about what happened at the party. You were drunk and I was just tired. We both said some stupid things, but it’s a long time ago now, Lena. It’s been months since we’ve last spoken and it hurts every damn day. “ Kara cried, wiping a tear from her chin furiously.

 

“I know, “ Lena whispered.

 

“I’m leaving for college in a couple of months, “ Kara said.

 

“Me too, “ Lena whispered.

 

“You are? That’s- that’s great! I mean, good for you, really, “ Kara said and let out a small smile. “Please, _please_ come back to us. “

 

“I- okay, “ Lena said, looking from the ground to Kara. “I’ll come to the beach with you, just- I need to figure out some stuff with my mom so text me the minute you know something. “ Lena sighed.

 

“Sure, yeah! Okay, great! “ Kara smiled. “I’ll- we’ll see you later. “

 

 

“Are you leaving again? “ Lillian asked as she watched Lena pack her bag. “Didn’t you just go grocery shopping a couple of days ago? “ Her voice was low and her words slightly slurred.

 

“I- I’m going to the beach with some friends, mother. “ Lena threw a t-shirt on over her bikini top and put her hair up in a loose ponytail.

 

“ _No_ , you’re making dinner in a couple of hours, Lena. “

 

“I told you this yesterday, mother. I’m leaving to see Kara and Winn and- “

 

“I don’t care about them! I care about getting dinner on time, Lena. You know I have a meeting tomorrow morning and I need to get to bed early- “

 

“Then cook something for yourself! “ Lena said, raising her voice. “You’re going to have to do that in less than two months anyway. “ The last bit she mumbled to herself as she threw her bag over her shoulder and headed out of her bedroom. Lillian followed her with hesitant steps.

 

“I will not let you leave like that! You have things to do in this house and you know it. I won’t just be doing everything by myself! _And_ you’re still not leaving for college! You’re staying here, getting a job and- “

 

“ _Stop_ controlling my life! “ Lena yelled. “I am eighteen years old, mother. I need to do something else than just cook and clean all day! I’m not a fucking Disney Princess you can just lock up in a tower! “ Lean sighed. She slammed her bedroom door after her and walked quickly to the front door. Outside a couple of honks marked that her friends were there. “I’m leaving, “ Lena said and threw on a light jacket.

 

“This will have serious consequences! “ Lillian cried.

 

“Like _what_? “ Lena yelled. “You’ll hit me? You’ve done that for _years_. You’ll make me do everything in this house? I am already doing that! You’ll lock me in this house for all eternity? Like that’s ever going to happen, mother! You’ve made my life a living hell ever since I walked through that door. There is nothing, _nothing,_ you can do to make me hate everything about this place even more! “ Lena slammed the door after her, running to the minivan and jumping inside quickly.

 

“Drive, “ She said angrily and Lucy made a U-turn and drove quickly, turning up the radio to let Kara and Lena talk without the rest of the group listening. Mon-El and Winn were sitting behind Kara and Lena, who were in the middle. James was in the front with Lucy, helping her navigate.

 

“What’s wrong? “ Kara asked. There was something odd about her, Lena couldn’t tell what it was. But she seemed distant.

 

“I- nothing, nothing. Just- it’s just mother being her natural self again. “ Lena shook her head.

 

“I thought things were getting better? I mean, she was at the graduation? “ Kara asked. She moved her hand forward to Lena but quickly placed it on her own knee.

 

“Yeah, she was getting better. But- she’s not taking this whole college thing very well. She’ll be fine, I guess. Let’s just- let’s just have some fun, you know. “

 

 

They drove down the beach away from the many people having barbeques and playing soccer in the sand. Lucy parked the van so they could sit behind it, sheltered from the strong wind. They laid down their towels on the sand and found the cooling box filled with sodas and beers. James and Lucy sat down, relaxing as the sun hit their skin.

 

Winn and Mon-El both ran to the water, jumping in at the same time. Winn squealed as he jumped up again, trying to ignore the freezing cold water all around him. They all laughed, Mon-El dragging Winn under again, kissing him passionately.

 

“Those two never change, do they? “ Kara said in a dreamy voice. She took off her dress and threw it inside the van to make sure it wouldn’t get wet. She was wearing a blue swimsuit with a little skirt around her hips in a deep red color. “Going in? “ She asked Lena, smiling brightly at her.

 

“Uh, yeah, “ Lena said. She pulled the t-shirt up over her head to reveal her black bikini. It was shaped like a sports bra with the back covered in a sheer black fabric. She was still wearing her shorts, but decided to keep them on as she followed Kara to the water.

 

The waves were rough, splashing in over their feet, making them wet up to their knees. “It’s chilly out here, “ Kara said. She stood on the balls of her feet, leaning back and forth.

 

“This is weird, “ Lena said and joined Kara in an awkward laugh.

 

“It kind of is, “ Kara said. She fiddled with her glasses for a moment. Lena thought about how odd it is for her to wear glasses to the beach, but dropped the thought when Kara took her hand. “I’m sorry for not trying to talk to you sooner, “ Kara said with a smile. “I- I should’ve done something. I just didn’t want to intrude, you know. If everything with your mom was getting better, I didn’t just want to ruin it- “

 

“I understand, “ Lena said. She led Kara out to the water. The two boys were splashing each other as they threw small tennis balls between each other. Their laughs and cries from the cold water hitting them, filled the quiet space between Kara and Lena. Lena sat down so the water covered her up to her shoulders. Kara did the same, just getting the top of her bikini underneath.

 

“So you’re going to college? “ Kara asked all of a sudden. Lena nodded happily. “Are you exited? “

 

“I guess, “ Lena said and shrugged. “I mean, “ She paused for a moment, not knowing how to end her sentence. “I think it’s going to be tough, you know. But it’ll be for the best. I need to get somewhere with my life and I really do think college will be the best. “

 

“I’m happy to hear that, “ Kara said and smiled. “I know I’ve talked about college a million times and I know you always hated talking about life outside of high school- “

 

“I don’t _hate_ it- “

 

“Lena, “ Kara said, raising an eyebrow and laughing. “You _hate_ it. But I’m so exited to meet new people and see new things and just- just do different things. I know you hate new stuff and I get why, but this is just going to be such a cool thing for me- for us! “ Kara beamed and Lena couldn’t help but join her excitement. For the first time in forever Lena actually felt pumped for something new. Yes, she was happy to have gotten accepted into college, but still, it frighten her. But with everything Kara told her about what it’d be like actually going, it made her stomach twirl with thrill.

 

 

Lena helped Kara with packing up her stuff. She’d be leaving a couple days before Lena and was stressing out about possibly forgetting something. There were boxes all the way from Kara’s room and downstairs. Alex was grunting loudly in disapproval at the amount of mess all over the house, but Kara just turned up the music in her bedroom and pretended like nothing.

 

“Do you want to bring this? “ Lena asked, waving a box filled with old drawings and notes and stuff. Kara looked through it for a couple of seconds, picking out some random pieces of paper and then pointed to the pile of things she didn’t want to bring. Lena put it down. “What about this? “ Lena asked. She was holding a folded poster of a band Kara used to like.

 

“I don’t even remember any of their songs, “ Kara said and pointed to pile once again. She was looking through her closet, folding up the pieces she’d bring and throwing them into a box. Lena carried a box filled with books downstairs. Her arms and legs ached as she put it down by the front door. She ran back upstairs to find Kara sitting on the floor, tears streaming down her eyes and her shoulder shaking.

 

“Kara, “ Lena whispered and ran to her. She sat down in front of her, keeping a hand on Kara’s arm. “What’s happening? Why are you crying? “ Lena asked.

 

Kara turned her face upwards to reveal the butterfly bracelet with the tiny ‘S’ in the middle. The silver chain was slightly dirty and the jewelry piece was much too small to fit around Kara’s wrist now. “I just- I thought I’d lost it years ago, “ She said between quiet sobs.

 

“I don’t even know where mine is, “ Lena whispered back, an ache forming in her chest by the thought of where in the world her necklace might be.

 

“I want to bring this, “ Kara said, as if it wasn’t obvious enough. She was clutching the bracelet with both hands, holding it tight to her chest. “I’m really going to miss you! “ She cried, leaning forward into Lena’s arms. Lena kissed the top of Kara’s head and rested her forehead on her shoulder.

 

“I’m going to miss you, too, “ Lena whispered. She was choking up but she didn’t want to cry. If they both started crying nothing would be able to stop them and they wouldn’t end up leaving.

 

“Okay, “ Kara said, getting up form the floor and taking a deep breath. “Let’s- let’s get this packing done with so we can go eat something. “ Lena laughed shortly and helped carry another box downstairs.

 

 

“Call me, “ Lena said. She was holding her arms tightly around Kara, resting her face in the crease of her neck. “And never hang up. “

 

Kara laughed. She was crying and it all came out as a sob. “You’re going to have so much fun, “ Kara said, leaning back from the hug. “I- look, it’s going to be great for both of us and you know it. Just- let’s- we’ll always have Skype-dates and we’ll go shopping in the weekends! Everything will be okay, “ Kara said, holding both of Lena’s hands out between them.

 

“Promise? “ Lena asked. Her bottom lip was trembling and she felt like she couldn’t breathe. She’d tried so hard not to cry, but seeing Kara standing next to her car with all of her stuff packed in the trunk of it… It was too hard not to weep.

 

“Of course, “ Kara said. The sun was streaming down on them between the many white clouds. “When the sun is out- “

 

“It’s not a time to cry, “ Lena said, though her voice broke with the second word and she cried even harder.

 

Alex, Maggie and Alex and Kara’s parents came out from inside the house. They’d already said their goodbyes to Kara and were waiting inside to give the two girls some space.

 

“Try not to hook up with too many people! “ Alex called and their father gave her scolding look.

 

“I’ll try! “ Kara called back. She backed out of the parking space and, before driving away, she honked loudly and continued down the road. After driving for about ten feet she stopped, jumped out of the car and ran back to her family. She pulled them all into a massive hug. “I love you all so much, “ She said before letting go of them. Kara ran back to her car and drove off.

 

Lena didn’t think it’d hurt this much to see the car leaving. As the Danvers family and Maggie walked back inside, she stayed out and looked after the long gone car. Now it was just an empty pavement. Her chest was heavy and she felt like she could collapse any moment. Her hands were shaking and she didn’t feel well, not at all. Never did she think someone leaving could make her physically ill.

 

She wished Kara would come back to help her feel okay again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's been ill for too long now and is not writing a single word... it's me wuhu


	5. Turning into scars

Lena didn’t hate her roommate Jess. She thought she could be really nice when she brought back breakfast or helped her out with her homework. College was a rough thing and, though Lena was getting close to nineteen, she still didn’t feel old enough to be with all of these smart people. She had, with great difficulty, avoided every party so far, but then it was Friday afternoon and Jess was curling Lena’s hair as they listened to music Lena didn’t know.

 

“Anyone on the radar today? “ Jess asked. Her words were quirky but her tone was sophisticated, making Lena feel comfortable.

 

“Uh, no, “ She laughed.

 

“Well, “ Jess said, stepping out of the bed and in front of Lena to check out the hairstyle. “You’re totally going to be one _someone’s_ radar with this look. “ She smiled wide and took a step to the side to give Lena room to get to the bathroom. The floor was filled with outfits Jess didn’t want to wear. Lena stepped over a shirt, a dress and some shoes. She turned her face a little in the mirror and couldn’t help but smile. Her lips were dark and she was wearing nice eyeliner that made her eyes look more almond shaped than round. Her hair was falling over her shoulders in the loose curls Jess had made.

 

“Happy? “ Jess asked with a grin, having been watching Lena’s reaction the whole time.

 

“I am, thank you. “ Lena smiled.

 

“Now, “ Jess said and grinned even wider. “I found this in my closet and, don’t say anything, but I won’t leave this room until you put it on! “ She giggled loudly and held out a dark blue dress in front of her.

 

“Jess- “ Lena tried, but Jess threw the dress at her and practically pushed her into the bathroom to change. When Lena returned she was looking down at herself, fiddling with her hands behind her back. The dress stopped above her knees, like any other dress she would’ve picked for herself. It had one sleeve that was long and one that stopped in t-shirt length. It was fitted, though around her waist a slim brown belt was buckled tightly. She put on a pair of low heels in black and tied them around her ankles.

 

“You like it? “ Jess asked nervously. Lena waited for a moment, looking down at herself with a smile.

 

“I do, “ She said and Jess beamed in excitement.

 

“We’re going to be late- and not just fashionably late, you know. “ She swung her purse over her shoulder and dragged Lena, who grabbed her bag in the last moment, with her.

 

 

The music down the hall was pounding loudly. The party was held in the old study room a floor below Jess and Lena’s room. It stretched down the stairs and outside to the open grass area. People were playing different games Lena didn’t know anything about. She was forced to awkwardly follow Jess around for the first hour or so until Jess went to get them some more drinks and didn’t come back. Lena looked for her for twenty minutes until she saw Jess upstairs in their bedroom with a guy she’d never seen before.

 

Lena found a bench outside, sat down with her empty cup and stared out over the small lake down the hill. Birds were chirping, desperately trying to be heard over the loud music. She swung one leg over the other and let her foot dingle to the soft beat of the music. The sun was setting and she felt the light breeze starting to get to her. Her head was spinning slightly from the few cups of beer she’d had, but she still felt like she could get something out of her day tomorrow, as long as she stopped drinking now. As if he’d read her thoughts the one and only Maxwell Lord came over and sat down next to her. She’d seen him a couple of times around campus, but had avoided him gracefully.

 

“The one and only Lena Luthor, “ He said. His words obviously slurred and his eyes closed. Lena wondered if he even knew his eyes were shut, because he opened them suddenly with a surprised look. “I’ve seen you around campus, “ He said. He lisped on the ‘s’ and Lena just rolled her eyes, not having the energy to try to be nice to him. “You look good. “

 

Lena turned and looked at him. “Excuse me? “ She said, followed by an uncomfortable laugh.

 

“I gave you a compliment. I said you looked good, “ He repeated. “Look, listen, hey, “ He said quickly. “I- shit, look- I said some pretty stupid shit when we were younger. I fucked up a lot of things and I’m sorry. I was struggling with a lot of stuff too and thought it was a good idea to pick on you. I’m sorry, “ He said. Lena was surprised to hear how genuine he sounded, but she still kept her distance and just nodded in acceptance. “I heard you’re the only one who passed Mr. Henshaw’s test yesterday? Good job. “

 

“Thank you, “ She said and smiled shortly. “It was- it was not easy, either- “

 

“Oh, shut up! “ He laughed and gave a small nudge with his elbow. “You got top scores probably. I wish- damn, my parents would cry if I came home with top scores- or if I just passed a test. “ He laughed a bit at the end, though he looked to the ground as to examine his drink. Lena felt awkward and didn’t know what to do or say. “How do you do it, Luth- Lena? “ He corrected himself.

 

“I- “ Lena shook her head. “I just study. “ She smiled shortly. “I- you know, if you feel like it- I mean, I could tutor you in the weekends? It would look nice on my applications in the end and maybe I could teach you some stuff? “ The second Lena had said those words she regretted them. She looked down at her empty cup, wondering if this drink had hit her a little harder than the rest.

 

“Really? “ Maxwell smiled.

 

“I mean- “ Lena couldn’t think if any way to get out of it. She shrugged slightly and smiled back. “Sure. Something for something, I guess. “

 

“Thank you! Really, Luth- Lena. Thank you so much. “ He grinned widely and pulled her in for a hug. When he leaned back he did it slowly, still keeping one hand on the back of Lena’s neck. His eyes fell to Lena’s lips and she felt her heart start beating like crazy. He leaned forwards slowly again and Lena leaned back, getting up from the bench quickly.

 

“I- uh, look- “ She tried but he just laughed it off.

 

“I think I may have gotten a bit too much to drink, “ He said and stood up too. “I’m sorry about that. It was- yeah, it was stupid. Can we start Sunday? With the tutoring? I have a game tomorrow- “

 

“Sure, sure! “ Lena said, her voice high and her cheeks flushed. “See you at nine? “ He gave her a thumbs up and walked away, falling slightly more to one side than the other.

 

 

Lena spent the entire Saturday making copies of her notes to give to Maxwell. She’d brought back breakfast for Jess after going out to get some for herself. “You’re a keeper, “ Jess moaned from her bed. She put her messy hair up in a bun and smiled at the bag of bagels in front of her. “How was your night? I’m sorry I just left by the way- “

 

“It’s fine, “ Lena said, not wanting to round the topic of who was naked in their bedroom last night. “I- I talked with that Maxwell guy, “ She said and shrugged, pulling off a piece of her bagel and dropping it in her mouth carelessly.

 

“Maxwell Lord? “ Jess asked, her eyebrows almost hitting the top of her forehead.

 

“Yeah, “ Lena said and laughed awkwardly.

 

“He’s a bit of a dick, you know? Slept with one of my friends and never called back. Just keep that in mind when you’re- “

 

“Jess! “ Lena winced and shook her head quickly. “I’m not- he’s not- look, we just agreed for me to try to tutor him in some English stuff. Nothing else, don’t worry. “

 

“Oh, _oh_ , okay. Cool, “ Jess said.

 

They both finished breakfast in silence. Jess took a shower and went back to bed. Lena took her laptop with her outside, thanking the gods for the amazing Wi-Fi at campus. She walked down to the bench she had sat on yesterday with Maxwell.

 

“Hi! “ Kara beamed from the screen of Lena’s laptop.

 

“Hey, you. “ Lena smiled. “How are you? “ Lena asked, looking out to the lake in front of her.

 

“I’m good, just, you know, perfect. Everything’s great! “ Kara smiled even wider.

 

“What’s- “

 

“Okay, so college is, like, _really hard_ , “ Kara moaned and made a grumpy face. Lena could just make out that Kara was sitting in her dorm room at her desk. Her bed on her left was covered in books and papers and someone was lying in the background on another bed.

 

“Who’s that? “ Lena whispered, though Kara was wearing headphones.

 

“My roommate, “ Kara said and the girl looked up and waved shortly. “Lyra. “ Kara whispered after Lena asked for her name. “How’s _your_ roommate? “ Kara beamed again.

 

“She’s cool. Her name’s Jess. I- uh, she’s a bit different from me, you know. She’s more like the typical college-cool-girl and I’m more like the leftovers on a bad day- “

 

“Shut up! “ Kara laughed. Lena had forgotten how much she’d missed Kara’s laugh. “Is she nice to you or do I have to come beat her up? “

 

“She’s amazing, thank you. No need to kick some ass today, “ Lena said and chuckled.

 

“What about your other friends? How are they? Is there any competition? “ Kara winked. Lena felt her stomach drop and she looked away from the screen for a moment.

 

“No, no. There’s no competition, don’t you worry. “ She smiled a convincing smile. “Though- “ She thought about what Kara would about the new tutoring job with Maxwell and winced. “I’m tutoring Maxwell Lo- “

 

“You’re _what_? “ Kara cried, making her roommate, Lyra, jump up in surprise.

 

“Kara, it’s just to get some extra credit at the end of the year, it’s fine. He’s changed, kind of. “

 

“He’s a monster- “

 

“He’s nineteen now, not fifteen. “

 

“He bullied you- “

 

“He bullied everyone, Kara. “ Lena sighed.

 

“That doesn’t make him _better_! “ Kara grunted.

 

“That crinkle is going to be permanent someday, “ Lena said and tried to make Kara smile but failed. “Kara, I have everything under control. He’s just going to do as I tell him to, you know. He needs the extra help with his homework and I need some credit. If he tries to do anything again I’ll- “

 

“What do you mean? “ Kara asked.

 

“Well, he _did_ try to kiss me last night, but- “

 

“I will end his life- “

 

“Kara! “ Lena said, loud enough for the people around her to turn and look. “Kara, listen to me. He was drunk and apologized. It’s going to be fine. Trust me, “ Lena said.

 

“Fine, “ Kara sighed and shook her head. “Okay, yeah, cool then. “ Kara turned around when Lyra started talking to her. “Yeah, okay. Lena, I have to go now, sorry. I’ll call you Monday and you’re going to tell me everything about your date with Maxwell Lord- “

 

“It’s not a- “ Kara hung up. “Date, “ Lena said and laughed sadly. That was the first time they’d talked since they started college. Four months had passed since they’d said goodbye and their first conversation ended with Kara yelling at her.

 

 

Studying with Maxwell was much nicer than Lena had imagined. He tried acting cool and tough in the beginning, cursing through the grammar tests Lena had brought him, but after a while he softened up and actually tried harder than she’d thought he could. He still failed the tests but she shared her notes with him after he’d asked her if he could look through them. They agreed to meet again next Sunday and he’d have done a few tests by himself to show her the next time.

 

It felt nice to talk to someone else than Jess, though Jess was quickly becoming a nice part of Lena’s day. They’d agreed to catch up one some episode of a show they were watching together. Jess had brought chips and Lena bought milkshakes on the way back from Maxwell’s dorm. They sped through three episodes until Jess fell asleep.

 

 

The next couple of weeks went by faster than Lena had thought. Parties were filling up her weekends, and sometimes her Wednesdays. She was hanging out with some of Jess’s friends and Maxwell even invited her to some of the bonfire parties him and his guys were having. One night she had gotten too much to drink and woke up on the bathroom floor.

 

Jess told her all about last night’s events, about how Lena had danced on the tables and helped Maxwell empty his alcohol collecting within a couple of hours. Just by the thought of what Lena had done made her sick to her stomach.

 

She hated herself at first, but then it became a habit to end every other night like that. She felt like it was easier to sleep with a night full of events. One morning she woke up from a call from mother, but decided to let it ring.

 

“You never answer her calls? “ Jess said. “Why not? “

 

“She’s not important enough for me to talk to, “ Lena said with a laugh.

 

“What did she do? “ Jess asked, a concerned look on her face.

 

“She’s not the best mother you could wish for, you know. Went a little nuts after my brother got sent to a mental hospital. “

 

“Oh, my god. I’m so sorry! “ Jess cried, moving over to sit on Lena’s bed. “Is he all right? “

 

“I don’t know, actually. I haven’t spoken to him in years. She’s never let me. “ Lena shrugged.

 

“She sounds like a bitch, “ Jess said, though she laughed afterwards.

 

“Yeah, “ Lena said. “She used to be nice. When I was four she adopted me and she was the best back then, as far as I remember, though. She used to spend so much time with me, you know? Then Lex went mad and she became a mess of a person. “ Lena shook her head and sighed. She turned over in her bed, careful not to hit Jess with her legs. “She stopped being my mother for a long time. Suddenly, at my graduation, she realized the mistakes she’d made and she tried to fix them. “

 

“What happened then? “ Jess asked, leaning back against the wall, looking down at Lena.

 

“I told her I’d be going to college after summer break and she didn’t take it very well. She’s never liked that I left. “

 

“Is she- “ Jess kept quiet. Her eyes darted to the long scar on Lena’s arm and then back to Lena’s eyes.

 

“She didn’t know how to be a mother most of the time, “ Lena said and sat up. “She lost her son without actually loosing him. She did a lot of stupid shit and I hate her for it. But when all that’s said and done, I mean, she’s still the person who took me in after my birthparents died. “

 

“Shit, “ Jess breathed and sighed deeply. “Your life is like a horror movie. “

 

“Yeah, based on a true story. “ Lena laughed shortly.

 

“Do you not miss your brother? “ Jess asked after a minute of silence.

 

“I- I do. But I have no idea where he is and if mother found out I was looking for him- “ Lena shook her head slowly. “She’d be even angrier than she already is. “

 

“I’m sorry about all of that, “ Jess said. “And I thought _I_ was the one who’d had a rough life. My parents broke up when I was young and can’t even spare to say hello to each other now. All that meant for me was just two Christmases. “ Jess laughed shortly and Lena appreciated the way Jess could make any conversation normal after some heavy stuff.

 

 

Lena didn’t talk very much with Kara during the next few months. Christmas passed and Lena spent the entire time in her dorm. Jess went home to her dad. She’d asked Lena if she’d wanted to go with her, but Lena was actually looking forward to a couple weeks of peace. Not a lot of people stayed during Christmas, though the entire campus was lit up from lights and decorations.

 

One morning, about a week before Christmas Eve, there was a loud knocking on Lena’s door. It woke her up instantly and she jumped out of bed, got dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie and opened the door lazily.

 

“Surprise! “ Kara squealed and jumped in for a hug. “I thought I’d come see you for a couple of days. I brought lunch! “ Kara walked inside, leaving Lena to shut the door behind her. Kara’s hair was growing long over her shoulders. She had a nude lipstick on and her cheeks were flushed from the cold weather. She took off her coat, scarf and gloves to reveal loose jeans and a brown t-shirt. She looked like someone taken out of a ‘hipster’ magazine.

 

“What time is it? “ Lena asked, having a massive headache. She went out with a friend of hers yesterday. They visited an old bar down town and she’d only gotten home around four in the morning.

 

“Uh, one, I think. Did you only just wake up? “ Kara asked. She looked around the room. Clothes were spread out across the floor and on Jess’s bed. The two desks were both covered in papers and books so Kara opted for the unmade bed Lena was now sitting on.

 

“Yeah- uh, I was out with a friend last night and got home pretty late, “ Lena mumbled and opened a window, then shutting it quickly after a freezing cold breeze made her whole body shiver.

 

“It smells dead in here, “ Kara said and laughed quickly. She unpacked the two sandwiches and gave one to Lena. She nibbled a bit of it before putting it down in the paper bag again, not feeling the slightest bit hungry. “So, “ Kara said after a while. “How are you? “

 

“Uh, I’m good. “ Lena nodded. “You? “

 

“I’m good, too. What have you been up to? We never talk anymore and- “

 

“Kara, please, “ Lena said and sighed slightly. “I have a killer headache, sorry. Maybe, please, don’t sound like you’re about to go on a rollercoaster through the center of Earth? “ Lena asked and smiled slightly.

 

“Oh, are you ill? “ Kara asked, keeping her voice down.

 

“Well, “ Lena said and shrugged. “I had a few drinks, you know. “

 

“Oh, right. I’ve seen the pictures on Facebook, “ Kara said. Something about the way she said those words bugged Lena.

 

“What do you mean? “ Lena said and swallowed a couple of pills to keep her headache to a minimum.

 

“Just- you know, uh- like- I mean, well- “

 

“Kara, “ Lena said and sighed.

 

“Right. Look, all that seems to come up on my timeline now is just pictures of you getting, you know, drunk. “

 

“Sounds like you need to get some more friends on Facebook, “ Lena said and laughed slightly.

 

“Lena, “ Kara said with a stern face. “How often do you party? “

 

“Are you serious? Did you actually come all the way out here to yell at me for drinking? Kara, I’m nineteen. Get a life. “ Lena huffed and shuffled under her blanket again.

 

“Okay, so I get that you might be hung-over, Lena, but don’t go all _Kara-Danvers-the-second-she-turned-thirteen_ on me, “ Kara said and sighed. “I just need to know if you’ve got things under control, okay? It’s not- it’s not because I don’t think you can handle, you now, _alcohol_ \- “ She said the word like it would be a crime to speak of such things. “I just need to make sure you’re all right and taking care of yourself. “

 

“Kara, “ Lena said and sat up against the end of her bed. “I’m fine. I’m partying and hanging out with friends, but I’m also doing my homework, getting good grades and going to bed on time. “ Lena laughed in a mocking way. Kara had got on her nerves, which was not what she’d wanted to happen for the day.

 

“I just worry about you- “

 

“Well, don’t. “ Lena hissed. “And next time, maybe, call first? “ Kara sat up from the bed and bit her lip furiously. “It’s not that I don’t want you here, “ Lena said quickly. “I just would like to now about you coming. “

 

“Well, I’m sorry for wanting to surprise my _best friend_. “ Kara sighed, pushing her glasses up her nose. “Do you want me to leave? “

 

Lena thought about it for a while. “No, “ She said in a low whisper. “I’m sorry. I’m just really stressed out about the exams coming up and it’s taking me so long to do nothing, really. Can we just, maybe, start over? We could watch a movie or something? “

 

And so Kara smiled and nodded and they watched a movie together. Kara’s phone kept beeping throughout it and Lena kept ignoring the way Kara just _had_ to answer every text within five seconds. In the end Lena jumped at the sound of the beep, took the phone and held it high over her head so Kara couldn’t reach it.

 

“Lena! “ Kara cried, jumping up to get it. “Lena, no! It’s not funny! “ She grunted.

 

“Do you even know which movie we’re watching? Or what the main character’s name is? You haven’t even looked at the screen for ten minutes, Kara. What is so damn important that- “ Lena stopped talking when she looked at the screen.

 

_James_

_We’re having Christmas with my family, okay? End of discussion. Have fun with Lena and say hello from me xx_

Lena read through the text again and again, waiting for the words to change. Eventually Kara took the phone out of her hand and looked down at it, embarrassed. “Lena, I- “

 

“You’re texting James? “ Lena asked, her voice shaking.

 

“No, I mean, yeah. Lena, we’re just texting, okay? “ Kara’s face had turned hot red and her hands were trembling as she answered his text quickly. “He- he and Lucy broke up and he’s needed someone to talk to. I’ve helped him, okay? That’s all it is. “

 

“Why are you so nervous if that’s all it is? “ Lena asked.

 

“I’m not- I’m not nervous? “ Kara laughed slightly. “Let’s just watch the movie. “

 

 

Sophomore year almost came as a shock to Lena. She’d gone through the exams half asleep, only thinking about whatever crazy party she’d end up at the night after. But now she was in bed, sleeping all the memories of her summer away. The happenings of the past couple of months went by her eyes as she dreamed about them.

 

 

“Lena? “ Her mother called the second she’d gotten inside her old bedroom. It was empty and cold, everything looked the same. “Lena, is that you? “ Lillian called again. She sounded worried, though agitated. Lena walked past the kitchen and saw the mountain of dishes by the sink. Clothes were spread out throughout the house as well as all the other things that used to have a place.

 

“Mother? “ Lena said quietly as she looked inside her mother’s bedroom. It was even worse in there. Bottles and cans of things had piled up around her bed, the air was thick from cigarettes and the only light source came from the TV.

 

“You’re home, “ Lillian said.

 

“I am. “

 

“You look tired. “

 

“I am. “

 

“Go to bed, then. You can make dinner in an hour when you’re ready. “

 

Lena walked out of the bedroom and shut the door behind her, standing for a moment to process what had just happened. She hadn’t changed. Mother was still the same, even after all these months without saying a word to each other.

 

Lena began doing the dishes as she played music through her headphones, tapping her foot on the floor as she followed the beat. She warmed some soup from the freezer as she collected all the clothes from the floor and threw them in the washer. She folded some clean towels that were lying in a pile by the bathroom.

 

“Dinner’s ready! “ She called and sat down by the table with mother.

 

“How’s college, then? “ Lillian asked, though she kept her eyes on her bowl of tomato soup, dipping bits of bread into it once in a while.

 

“It’s good, “ Lena said. “I like it. “

 

“Good for you, then. “ Lillian sighed loudly as she kept eating in silence. “Some of your friends came over during Christmas. They asked if you were home and I told them you weren’t. They said they thought you’d be here and I told them that’s what I thought too. “

 

Lena dropped her spoon on the table and looked up at her mother. She noticed her sunken eyes and dried lips. Lena bit her lip hard until she couldn’t stand the pain any longer. “I never said I’d be home for Christmas, mother. You gave me no reason to think you’d want me here. “

 

“You’re my daughter- “

 

“That’s not a reason, “ Lena mumbled. She continued eating, checking her phone once in a while after receiving a few texts from Jess. Lena’d told Jess she was going home for the entire summer and that she might just run away any second. Jess had promised to help if she had the chance.

 

Lillian sighed. “I bought you a present. “

 

“Thank you, but I’ll live without it. “

 

“You’re not very nice to me, you know? I’ve been alone all the time you’ve been _gone_. “

 

“That’s not my fault, mother. “ Lena shook her head. She could feel her palms getting sweaty and her temper rising quickly.

 

“It’s not? Because I remember how you were the one who left me here alone- “

 

“I- “ Lena stopped, taking a deep breath. “I left because I want an education. I want to get a job one day and have a life, you know? Staying here, taking care of _you_ all day isn’t going to get me those things. “

 

Lillian chewed through her piece of bread slowly, eyeing Lena suspiciously. “I gave you a home- “

 

“You gave me a place to live. This- this is not home, mother. This is hell. This is what you’d call rock bottom. “

 

“I will _not_ hear this anymore! “ Lillian yelled, slamming her fist against the table. “You are my daughter, Lena. I have raised you to be a good person and you’re showing me every second that I failed- “

 

Lena stood up quickly. “You have not raised me to be anything, mother. You have yelled out lies for years. You have hit, kicked, pushed me, and caused me nothing but pain for years. You have ruined my life ever since I came here. The only person who ever cared about me in the household was Lex and he’s not here, is he? “ She could feel her pulse beating in her ears, her chest and head hurting like hell. “He’s my family. You’re just dead weight, “ She hissed.

 

 

She woke up with a girl standing in front of her. Her hair was smooth against her face and a piercing was going through one of her nostrils. Lena blinked a few times until she finally sat up in bed, rubbing her eyes.

 

“You don’t even look happy to see me, “ Jess said, smiling, lifting an eyebrow.

 

“I am, “ Lena said and smiled now that she’d woken up a bit.

 

“Well, come here, then! “ Jess cried and pulled Lena in for a hug, falling to her bed. “You look pale- “

 

“I’ve always been pale, Jess. “

 

“No, like, pal _er_ , “ Jess said and laughed. “There’s a party tonight- “

 

“Of course, “ Lena said.

 

“And I thought we should go. I’ve bought a couple new dresses and one of them would look banging on you! “ Jess laughed when Lena grimaced at the word ‘banging’.

 

“Sounds nice. I have to go see Maxwell, actually. I promised to go over his results from the exams. I’ll see you later, okay? “ Lena put on her boots and jacket.

 

“Bring back dinner! “ Jess called as Lena walked out.

 

 

Outside the sun was shining. Lena had missed the fresh air and the mumbling from the students around her as she walked down towards the shining lake. She’d been back for a couple of days, just waiting for Jess to accompany her. The room always felt empty, like it was missing something, without Jess in it. But, though she’d missed Jess, she suddenly felt the reality of being back. All the responsibility she’d had last year now weighed heavily on her shoulders. All the hours she’d spent drinking, partying- now everything had doubled. More classes, more homework, more assignments.

 

She sat down on a bench by the water. Wind was blowing in her hair and she felt a chill run down her back. “Lena? “ Someone called and she turned to see Maxwell’s boyish face and his typical soccer-boy outfit.

 

“Max! “ She grinned, got up and hugged him for a moment. “How was your summer? “ She asked as they both sat back down again. A tan was making his hair look paler.

 

“Good, good, “ He said. “I- we went to Spain… “ He said, grinning at the ground.

 

“Wait, “ Lena said, taking his hand and holding it with a massive smile on her face. “Does that mean- did you- “

 

“I passed everything, yeah. “

 

“Oh, my god! “ Lena squealed with excitement. “I’m so happy for you. Congrats! “ She pulled him in for another hug and they stayed for a moment too long. Maxwell leaned back from her and, as he did the night they met for the first time in college, he leaned in to kiss her. He held her gently by her jaw and leaned in for a moment, before Lena leaned back and looked down. “Maxwell- “

 

“I know. “ He sighed. “Look- “ He looked like he was in pain, red splotches spread in his cheeks and his jaw was clenched behind the thin beard. “I- I don’t think I can keep going with this, Lena. “

 

“What do you mean? “ She asked, laughing slightly.

 

“Look, I did the thing you shouldn’t do. I ended up having feelings for you. Being away from you for an entire summer made me realize it. And since you’re obviously not interested in me, I feel like we shouldn’t cause me any more pain and just end it with the tutoring. “

 

Lena felt her heart drop to her stomach. Did he really have feelings for her? She hadn’t even thought about that for a second. Yes, he did try to kiss her last year at that party, but he was just drunk. “I’m sorry, “ She said.

 

“Me too, “ He answered. The sun was hiding behind some dark clouds and she felt her fingers going cold. “I should probably go now- “ He pointed over his shoulder with his thumb. His friends were playing football out on the lawns. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, really. “

 

 

Music was pouring out of the speakers as Jess, Lena and a couple of their friends stepped into the study room. People were dancing all around the place, drinks in their hands as they spilled out over the floor. Jess quickly ran to the bar to them all drinks, Lena waved the rest of the girls off as they looked for a place to sit. She’d thought more about what Max had said to her and it was starting to get to her. It wasn’t just good for _him_ to be tutored. _She_ ’d gotten a lot from helping him out, too.

 

She saw him in the other end of the room, talking up some girl with long, blond hair and a dress cut lower than necessary. _If he were so into her, why would he be flirting with someone new? Just like that?_ She felt the couple of drinks they’d shared in Jess and hers bedroom get to her head, the warm feeling rushing through her. Maybe she should talk to him? _No_ , said a voice in her head. _Don’t be stupid_.

 

But sure enough, an hour or two later when Maxwell was still hardcore flirting with the blonde girl, Lena felt the rush of the drinks she’d drunk throughout the night get to her and she walked over to him. “Maxwell Lord! “ She cried with a big smile. “Can I talk to you for a moment? “ He looked startled and his cheeks turned pink.

 

“Wha- why? “ He asked, smiling reassuringly to the girl.

 

“Because, “ Lena said. “I need to talk to you. “ She took his arm by the wrist and pulled him with her out of the common room and down the long hallway until the music tuned out.

 

“Lena, what are you- “

 

“Why do you not want me to tutor you anymore? “ She asked, crossing her arms over her chest like a little girl.

 

“I already told you- I- I have feelings for you and so- “

 

“Bullshit. You were hitting on that girl, Max. You don’t have feelings for me. “ She clenched her fists and looked to the ground.

 

“She’s just- she’s nothing, Lena. She’s just- “

 

“Max, tell me the truth. “ Lena sighed.

 

“You don’t want to hear the truth, trust me. “ He almost sounded angry.

 

“Let me decide that. “

 

“Fine! “ He ran his fingers through his short, ashy blonde hair and leaned up against a wall. “Some of my guys found out about- you know, about your, uh, brother. They’re saying he’s a real nutcase and stuff- “ He bit his lip hard at the sight of Lena’s wet eyes. “They’re saying all sort of things and I- Lena, you have to understand. I didn’t want to- “

 

“To be friends with someone who has an insane brother, I get it. “ Her voice cracked several times. “I forgot what a dick you are, Maxwell. “ She turned to leave, but he took her arm.

 

“You helped me so much, Lena. I feel like shit for all of this. But- I just can’t risk loosing my friends and be thrown off the football team, please understand. “

 

“I- I don’t. Maxwell, I practically _saved_ your life here on campus last year and now, just because of a few guys’ stupid opinions, you’re going to stop being friends with me? You’re being a real dick, Maxwell. “ Lena wiped her eyes as she stormed away from him, feeling lightweight as she strode through the crowded room and down the dormitory hallway.

 

 

“Kara? “ Lena cried through the phone. “I- I would really like for you to come back here soon, you know. “ Lena knew how slurred her words sounded. She was lying in bed, crying into her phone with her pillow under her head. “Stuff happened here and I want you to come beat someone up for me. “ Lena laughed shortly, but it ended in sobs. “I miss you so much already. “


	6. Everything

Lena woke up with the morning sun shining brightly through her window, the one above Jess’s bed. Her head was heavy on her shoulders and she felt icky from the heat that was rising through her body; she’d fallen asleep with all her clothes on. She turned to face the room, seeing that Jess was not there.

 

Lena’s phone gave a buzz and she picked it up from the floor, unplugging it from its charger. Seven missed calls and thirteen unanswered texts- all from Kara. Quickly she read through them as she remembered her drunken call last night before she fell asleep. Then, she remembered the conversation she had with Maxwell Lord and her heart sank deep inside her chest. She pressed the phone-icon next to Kara’s named and waited.

 

“Lena? Are you all right? I’m on my way, don’t worry- “

 

“Are you driving? “ Lena asked, this seemed to surprise Kara.

 

“I- I am. I’ll pull over now, don’t worry. “ Lena could her the cars passing by from the other end of the line, Kara fidgeting with something and then everything got quiet. “You called me last night, Lena. I was sleeping, sorry. Are you all right? I’m about twenty minutes away. I drove as fast as I could- “

 

“You don’t need to come, “ Lena said and shook her head with an exhale. “I- I got drunk last night and- “

 

“What happened? Wait- I’ll be there in fifteen minutes, actually. We’ll talk when I’m there, bye. “ Kara hung up before Lena could say anything else. She threw her phone back on the floor and sighed deeply as she leaned back against her warm pillows.

 

 

“Lena? Lena! “ Kara called as she knocked vigorously on the bedroom door until Lena finally pulled herself out of bed and opened it. “Lena! “ Kara cried and threw herself into Lena’s arms as she shuffled inside, throwing her bag in floor by the long mirror and sat down on Jess’s bed. “What happened? Was it Maxwell Lord? Or Jess? You can’t just call me like that- “

 

“I know, I know- look, I’m really sorry, but nothing happened. “ Lena didn’t know why she felt like she had to lie to Kara. “I got in a bit of an argument with Max, yeah- “

 

“What did he do? “ Kara clenched her fists and stood up quickly. Lena could see how her cheeks were getting red and how she was preparing herself for unnecessary battle. Lena stood up and took Kara’s hand, slowly dragging her back down to the bed.

 

“He just told me he couldn’t continue with the tutoring, actually. I was drunk and didn’t understand why and I got upset with him, that’s all- “

 

“You’re lying, “ Kara said flatly. “I’m not missing my classes today just because you were drunk, right? “ There was a slight hint of accusation in her voice, something Lena didn’t like. She felt her stomach do an uncomfortable spin and gave up on the lying.

 

“He told me he couldn’t let me tutor him anymore because… “ She looked up at Kara with weary eyes. “Because, “ Lena said and took a deep breath. “His friends found out about Lex and they’re saying some shitty things about me. Maxwell’s scared they might throw him off the football team for being friends with me. “ Lena bit her lip and shook her head.

 

“He’s not changed a bit, “ Kara said in a low voice. “I’m sorry, Lena. “

 

“It’s all right, “ Lena said and smiled forcefully. “People were to find out about Lex eventually, you know. “

 

“Have you seen or heard from him- “

 

“Not at all, actually. “ Lena sighed for a moment, looking out trough the window behind Kara. “Sometimes I forget how much I miss him. “ A reminiscent smile faded across Lena’s face for a moment before the dark memories flooded in, forcing her to shake her head quickly and look back up at Kara. A ball of something strong and hard was forming in Lena’s chest, filling her almost to the bottom of her stomach.

 

“What are you thinking about? “ Kara asked after a moment of silence. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were shining, as though she’d forgotten to blink for a while. Lena shook her head and leaned back against her wall, which was covered in little pictures she’d taken with Jess last year. “I sometimes feel like I’m loosing you again, “ Kara said all of a sudden, her head falling slightly as if she was embarrassed. Lena was about to say something, but Kara kept going. “I am not about to say these things as if I were to blame myself for the things that you’ve been through- don’t get me wrong, please. But- but I feel like I should’ve done more for you when we were growing up. “

 

“What- “

 

“Please, “ Kara said with a complaint. “Listen to me. When we little, like, ten years old, you know, you talked about your mother in this odd way. I’ve always thought about it, Lena. You didn’t talk about her in this proud or cheerful way, you said her name as if it was a- a _rude_ word. You never talked about these great things that you did together and it always confused me. It took me so long- _too_ long to realize that the reason you never talked about your family was because you didn’t actually have one.

 

“I- Lena, I just didn’t understand it. I didn’t understand how someone in the world could not be loved by their parent- related to or not- it didn’t seize to exist in my head that a mother couldn’t love her daughter. And then- then everything with your brother happened and it made no sense to me. I mean- we were, what, thirteen? Of course I knew that people sometimes had mental problems and that it was a thing, but- but I didn’t see what it was doing to _you_.

 

“I thought, Lena, I honestly thought I could help you by just being there. I thought it was enough for me to just come over and talk about everything else- it wasn’t. It never _has_ been enough. And then the stuff with James happened and Lucy and we, you and I, kissed and it was all just a big mess- I never made it easy for you, did I?

 

“Then- then the thing that just couldn’t- _shouldn’t_ happen happened. Your mother started abusing you and- and I just didn’t do anything about it. I just let it happen for _so long_. I didn’t know what to say- I was so terrified to do something. I didn’t tell anyone or talk to you about it and- I didn’t even think about what was happening to you. I was just so scared to do the wrong thing that I ended up doing the worst thing.

 

“And now- “ Kara shook her head slowly, keeping her eyes on the floor beneath her. “You’re going through bad things and I, once again, do not know what to do. For the past year you’ve been in and out of parties, drinking way more than you should- and I know you have, so don’t give me that look- “ She huffed when Lena was about to obligate. “And even though this has been going on for so long, I can’t say anything. I don’t know what to do about any of this and it’s all just making me the worst friend in history. I can’t fix your problems, Lena. I am so sorry, but I just don’t know how to make you feel okay. “

 

Lena waited for a moment, wanting to make sure Kara was finished, before she started speaking. “I have not once given you the opportunity to help me. I have not once felt like you should’ve done something when you didn’t, Kara. I want you to know this, so listen to me. You have done everything right, “ Lena said, raising her voice over Kara’s muffled cries. “You’ve done everything perfectly, “ She whispered, taking Kara’s hand. “I- I am just _so_ hurt. A- a lot of things have happened to me and I can’t change that. But, listen to me, I can say, with one hundred percent certainty, that if you were not in my life, Kara, I would not be here. I would not be alive- I would- I would not even had made it to college. “ Lena put a hand over her mouth to contain her cries.

 

Kara shook her head hard. “Don’t- don’t say that, “ She whispered to the floor as she let her tears drop to their intertwined hands on Kara’s lap. “Don’t ever talk about you not being here. “

 

 

Outside clouds had taken over the blue sky, leaving a misty feeling to the entire campus. Everyone was inside their dorms or dotted around the school, all talking and chatting about the events of their summer breaks. Lena turned over in bed, pushing the laptop fully onto Kara’s legs as she put her head on Kara’s shoulder. The movie was almost coming to an end and Lena could feel how her head was heavy and her eyelids slowly falling closed.

 

“You’re falling asleep, “ Kara said in a low whisper the moment Lena’s eyes had shut.

 

“You’re staring, “ Lena answered and smiled, still keeping her eyes closed. She could feel Kara moving to put away the computer and snuggle up underneath the blanket as well, pulling it over her shoulders. Lena felt a breath of air on her face and she opened her eyes to see Kara giggling and blowing one more time. “You’re weird. “

 

“Thank you, “ Kara answered between giggles. “Are you really going to sleep? “ Lena could easily hear the desperation and annoyance in her voice, though the giggles made it les obvious.

 

“I- I’m tired, “ Lena said.

 

“So what? I’m leaving tomorrow and we haven’t done anything other than watch movies- “

 

“You’ve been here for two days, Kara. We’ve done other things too. “ Lena laughed.

 

“Like what? “

 

“Well, “ Lena thought for a moment. They had pretty much emptied Netflix for all the new movies neither of them had watched. “We’ve yelled at Jess. “ Lena shrugged as Kara fell into a fit of laughter, ending up with her head closer to Lena’s. She, Lena, could smell the sweet scent of flowers and fresh air coming from the familiar perfume Kara wore.

 

“Do you think she actually got angry? “ Kara asked, blinking quickly as she leaned back again.

 

“No, no- “ Lena shook her head slightly. “She’s got thick skin. “

 

The window was slightly open on the opposite wall of Lena’s bed, leaving the cold air to flush over them. Kara pulled the blanket higher over her shoulders, almost covering her head, with a shudder. “Can we close the window? “ Kara asked, curling her legs underneath herself.

 

“You do it, “ Lena said. Kara turned to look, considering leaving the bed and shook her head. “Well, then it’s not going to be closed. “ Lena laughed slightly.

 

“I’m freezing! “ Kara complained putting her cold fingers against Lena’s bare neck to convince her, though Lena didn’t feel the cold fingers, she only felt her own skin burn the places Kara had touched her. “Is it not cold at all? “ Kara asked after Lena’s lips had parted slightly and her eyes had locked on Kara’s.

 

“No, “ Lena whispered. She let her eyes fall to Kara’s lips, the way her pink lipstick had smudged slightly, leaving her left corner of her mouth rosy. “I- “ But before she could even really get her words out, the door flew open and the two girls turned quickly, sitting up in the bed.

 

“Well, fuck- “ Jess said and grinned smugly. “Looks like I’m intruding- “

 

“Shut up, Jess, “ Lena grumbled as she climbed out of bed. She shut the window just to do something with her hands. Kara had crawled to the end of the bed and sat up against the wall with her phone in her hand, reading through text messages. “What are you doing here, anyway? “ Lena asked and put her hair in a ponytail.

 

“I just wanted to get some money for dinner, you know. “

 

“That’s my money- “ Lena complained.

 

“As long as you two are playing house in our bedroom, Lena, I get to steal your money. “ Jess took the couple twenty-dollar bills from Lena’s desk and snug out again.

 

“It’s nice of her to leant me her bed, “ Kara said, her voice weird from the sudden shock.

 

“Yeah, so nice. “ Lena mumbled and sat down by her desk with her hands over her face.

 

“You okay? “ Kara asked.

 

“I’m fine, yeah. Let’s- uh, let’s just watch the rest of the movie. “

 

 

The last day of Kara staying with Lena rolled around. Kara packed her things in just a few minutes, having not brought anything big. She’d borrowed Lena’s clothes for the past few days. Outside the weather was very much like yesterday, the sun was hidden behind a thick layer of clouds, painting every room with a dark, greyish color. Students were all inside with big cups of coffee and tea, reading, studying, doing nothing.

 

Lena put on her jacket over her black hoodie and walked out of the room, followed by Kara who was wearing a massive coat, scarf, hat and gloves. “It’s not _that_ cold, “ Lena said and laughed at Kara’s appearance.

 

“Yeah? Well, when we’re down by the lake and you’re freezing your butt off, I will _not_ give you my gloves. “ Kara huffed as she strode outside. She took Lena’s hand and they walked together over the misty grass, getting their trainers wet. “What will you be doing with Maxwell? “ Kara asked after a minute of silence.

 

“I don’t know- nothing, I suppose. “ Lena shrugged vaguely and looked out over the lake. The water was quiet, though a strong wind was pulling the trees and bushes in every direction possible.

 

“Are you sure I shouldn’t beat him up? “ Kara asked, looking at Lena with a faint smile.

 

“I’m sure. “ Lena laughed. “I think he knows he fucked up, actually. When I was getting lunch for us yesterday I saw him- “

 

“And you didn’t tell me? “ Kara complained, stomping the ground slightly.

 

“Well, I am now, aren’t I? “ Lena laughed. “He couldn’t even look at me for longer than half a second. He looked so embarrassed. “ Lena shook her head. “That’s what happens when you do the wrong thing. “

 

“The wrong thing? He did the _worst thing humanly possible_ \- “

 

“Kara, “ Lena said, turning to face her. “He didn’t commit _murder_ , okay? “ She laughed again, this time Kara joined her.

 

“Well, “ Kara shrugged. “I just wouldn’t hate the look on his face after I punched him. “ Kara looked dramatically up at the sky and sighed in a dreamy way.

 

“You’re so violent for a non-swearing person, “ Lena said and laughed. Kara gave her a small push with her shoulder, still keeping their hands intertwined. The wind grew harsher and they both agreed to go back towards the school, seeing how rain was starting to fall. “How’s it going with everyone else? I haven’t spoken to them in so long now. “

 

“Well, “ Kara said and took a deep breath. “Mon-El and Winn are still living their life as an old married couple. “ They both laughed. “Winn just scored a big job at this place called CatCo- never heard of it and, as far as I know, the boss is a bit of a meaner, “ Kara said and winked. “Lucy- well, Lucy’s in the army- “

 

“What? “ Lena exclaimed and stopped abruptly.

 

“Yeah- her father finally talked her into it and apparently it’s going really well for them. “ She smiled at the ground and kept walking, pulling Lena with her. “So everyone’s great, they’re fine, you know. It’s going just- “

 

“What about James? “ Lena asked. She was surprised by the hoarse tone in her voice as she said his name.

 

“He- uh, he’s studying, too. He’s working with some photography stuff. “ Kara nodded and sped up her steps as she hurried through the grass. The rain had started to thicken, but Lena stayed behind.

 

“Do- do you have something to say to me? “ Lena asked, squinting through the rain to see Kara.

 

“Not- not out here, Lena. It’s freezing and I don’t feel like being drenched when I drive home! “ Kara called. The rain was dropping fast, leaving a loud humming noise from it hitting the lake water. “Let’s get back inside! “

 

 

They left their jackets and wet clothes on the floor as Lena took off her hoodie, her t-shirt climbing up over her stomach. She pulled it down. “You still have scars, “ Kara said.

 

“They tend to stay forever, you know, “ Lena said and laughed vaguely.

 

“You know what I mean, “ Kara said and shook her head. She took a step forwards, faintly gripping onto the edge of Lena’s shirt. She lifted it slightly, just above Lena’s bellybutton, and looked at the faint marks and scars that Lena’s childhood had left. There was one just above her hip, a smaller on right in the center of her stomach and a bigger one below her ribs. “I can’t believe she did those things to you, “ Kara whispered, her voice shaking slightly.

 

“Well, that one- “ Lena pointed to the biggest one. “I got that one from running into the kitchen counter when I was a kid. So you can’t really blame her for it. “ She smiled faintly. When Kara’s eyes darted to the ground and her shoulders gave a sudden shake, Lena placed her hands on either side of Kara’s face and turned it upwards to see her. “I’m okay, “ Lena said.

 

Kara shook her head and let go of Lena’s t-shirt. “Hey, look at me, “ Lena said a little harsher. “I have you and that’s all I need. You know that, “ She whispered. Kara’s eyes flew to Lena’s, her mouth opened as if she was to say something, yet she shut it quickly after a second or two. Lena leaned forwards, her eyes falling to Kara’s lips and then she shut them. The kiss lasted nothing more than a few seconds before Kara took a step backwards and turned away.

 

“Lena, “ Kara said and shook her head. “I- I’m, look- “ She bit her lip and turned back to Lena, who was standing bit her hands out in front of her and a hurt look on her face. “I’m seeing James, okay? “ Kara said. She looked up at the ceiling and back down at Lena.

 

“You’re- you’re seeing James again? “ Lena repeated slowly, as if she couldn’t physically understand the words, as if they did not make sense in a sentence.

 

“Yes, I am. It- it happened over the summer- well, maybe a bit before that. But we’ve only gotten together officially this summer. Look, Lena, I know how this might come across- I get that you’re not his biggest fan- “

 

“ _Biggest fan_? “ Lena repeated and crossed her arms defensively. “He left you to be with Lucy, Kara! And then he left Lucy to be with you, I suppose! “ Lena didn’t realize how sudden she had raised her voice. “He’s a dick, Kara- “

 

“Don’t talk about him like that! “ Kara shot back. “He makes me happy and that’s what’s important! “ Kara crossed her arms too, the pouty face she was making and the way her cheeks were painted red from the cold outside made her look even more like a little child.

 

“ _He_ makes you happy? “ Lena repeated, again. “How can _he_ make you happy, Kara? Tell me, please, because I can’t wrap my head around how an _idiot_ like him can make you happy- “

 

“Keep your voice down, please! “ Kara begged and stomped the ground again. “He makes me happy and that’s it. I love you, Lena, but- “

 

“No, “ Lena said and shook her head, tears starting to form in her eyes. “You don’t. “

 

“I do! “ Kara shouted. “I love you so much, Lena, but not the way you want me to! I’m sorry, okay? I am so incredibly sorry that I don’t love you like that, it would’ve been perfect if I just had those feelings for you, I get it! But I don’t feel that way about you and you can’t keep making me feel guilty for loving somebody else, “ Kara said, trying to keep her voice down. “I have feelings for James and- and not you, “ She whispered.

 

“I don’t care who you love, “ Lena said after silence had overtaken the conversation. “I don’t care if you don’t love me. But you’re dating someone who has treated you horribly, who has left you to be with your friend and who just left your friend to be with you. He’s someone who needs to be in a relationship, Kara. He needs to be with something to feel okay and- and you’re not like that. I don’t care if you’re not with me. I only care about you being okay and you taking care of yourself and being with him- being with James is not taking care of yourself. “

 

Kara made a grimace, the wrinkle between her eyebrows growing deeper and harsher. “Are you done? “ She whispered with rage.

 

“I am. “

 

“Good. Because I need to tell you something, “ Kara said and took a step forward. “I have hated myself for not loving you the way I think you love me. People have told me all my life that you and I would be perfect together, Lena. Winn and Mon-El, hell, even _Lucy_. They’ve all said I should be with you because you need me, because I would make things easier for you when you’re not feeling okay. And, damn it, Lena, I want to be there for you- _with_ you. I want to help you _so much_ , but I can’t. I can’t help you when you’re always _hurting_ from me not loving you like that. I have never loved anyone more than I love you, I have dropped everything to help you, I have given my _life_ to make sure you’re okay. I have done _everything_ I can and yet, all because I don’t love you like that, I am failing every time! “ Kara yelled, pointing her finger at Lena furiously.

 

“I am dating James. I am in love with James, “ Kara said slowly. “And maybe I’ll end up being hurt. Maybe it’ll all end in a heartbreak. And if it does, Lena, then I really fucking hope you’re going to be there for me, because I will need you more than ever before, I promise you that. Even if it’s a big mistake to be with James, then I’m making that mistake. It’s what I feel is the right thing to do at the moment. So- so don’t hate me because I’m doing this. “

 

Lena shook her head. “I don’t hate you, “ She sighed.

 

“Good, “ Kara said and nodded slowly. “Because I would never have been able to live with myself. “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit of a short one but hey-ho


	7. It's never-ending

It didn’t feel real at first. No, no one could start their 3rd year at college this way. It wasn’t fair, none of it was fair. The pain first hit her chest. Her fingers then started to feel numb and she struggled to breathe. It felt wrong, all of a sudden, to inhale and exhale and just keep doing that. Her head was spinning and she had to reach out for something, a table or a person- _something_. She got a hold of herself, supporting her wait on the edge of her bedframe. Jess was breathing heavily on her side of the room, the man in the door was looking around awkwardly, not knowing what to do next. He had said it all, really.

 

“Leave, “ Lena whispered and looked up at the man. He nodded and shut the door behind him with a bang. Lena fell the to floor instantly, her legs almost reaching the back of the room. Jess’ arms flew around her within seconds, holding her so tight Lena couldn’t move. Not that she wanted to or tried, she just knew that she couldn’t.

 

“I’m so sorry, Lena. Oh, my god. I’m so sorry, “ Jess cried into Lena’s shoulder. The words the man had said replayed over and over in Lena’s head.

 

_“Your mother’s sending someone to come and pick you up. They’ll be here in half and hour or so. Oh, of course, I should tell you why, well- it’s about your brother, dear. He’s- we only just got the news a couple of minutes ago, so we don’t know how or anything- but he, and I’m so sorry to tell you this, but he committed suicide this morning. Your brother is dead, dear. “_

Pressure was building up inside Lena’s head, she was afraid her skull might pop open if she didn’t do something. Tears were flooding down her face and she couldn’t keep up with them. They kept falling and falling and falling, down her cheeks and neck and getting caught around the rim of her t-shirt. She looked round the room, everything seemed to odd, so strange. She didn’t understand how everything could look this normal, like nothing had happened. She needed things to be broken and ruined, she needed things to represent the way she felt inside at that very moment.

 

She got up from the floor, struggling to free herself from Jess’ arms. “I- I- “ Lena mumbled as if she’d just got woken up from a deep sleep and didn’t know where she was. “I need to- this is not- Jess, I’m not- he’s not- I mean- “ She shook her head as Jess tried to grab onto her again, pulling her hands to herself to get free from her.

 

“Lena, “ Jess cried. Lena couldn’t really understand why Jess was crying, she’d never met Lex. _Lex_. It was suddenly a strange word to her, like she’d never _really_ said it before. Lena grabbed her notes from her desk and threw them on the ground, the papers spread like wildfire, covering the dark wooden floors in whites and greys. “Lena, “ Jess whispered again, getting up from the floor and carefully into her own bed.

 

“Don’t talk right now, “ Lena said as she kept throwing her things around the room. She took her glass vase she’d bought with Jess on the first week of college, one they’d agreed to always have in their room. She took her box of hair ties and hair clips and threw it at the bathroom door. She grabbed every little knickknack she owned and threw them and threw them until she couldn’t find unbroken things anymore. She grabbed her phone and was about to throw it too, though Jess came and held onto Lena’s shoulders.

 

“Stop, Lena. Lena, hey, _stop_! “ Jess yelled, taking the phone from her and putting it safely on the desk. “It’s not helping, that’s _not_ going to help, “ Jess said with a calm tone, her eyes still swollen and wet from crying.

 

“Nothing is! “ Lena yelled. “He’s- he’s _gone_ , Jess! He left me! He- _he gave up_! “ She screamed and kicked the side of her desk, not even sensing the pain that was going through her foot. “He is my brother and he just- HE’S DEAD! “ Lena screamed again and slammed her fist against the desk again, Jess trying to get a hold of her but failing.

 

“I know, “ Jess whispered. “I know he is. But- but you need to calm down, Lena. Please, “ Jess said.

 

“I want- I need to call- Kara, I need to call Kara, she should know. I mean- I- I need her- “

 

“We’ll call her in a minute, Lena. “ Jess pulled her down to her bed and dragged her into her arms. Lena was crying heavily into her shoulder and chest until she needed air to breathe. Then she continued and continued and just kept going, because she didn’t know what else to do. She didn’t know what to do with anything right now.

 

 

Her phone beeped and Jess checked it for her. “Your ride is here, “ Jess said and let go of Lena slowly, as if she’d just explode again. “I’ll clean everything up, don’t worry about it. Just grab your things. I’ll follow you out. “

 

Lena did as she was told, putting on her shoes and jacket, taking her bag and phone and opening the door to the long hallway outside. As she walked down the stairs, people stopped and stared for a moment before walking along, whispering to their friends. Lena didn’t want to hear their words, though it wasn’t hard to guess that her reaction to Lex’ death wasn’t easily ignored by her neighbors. People were whispering her and Lex’ name.

 

They, Jess and Lena, got to the front doors and Lena stopped instantly. Maxwell Lord was standing there, wearing a dirty t-shirt and loose shorts. His face was pale, except for the red splotches on his cheeks. He opened his mouth as to say something, but Lena looked away, pushing her way past him and the people he was with. Jess followed her without saying a word.

 

The big parking lot was almost filled with cars. A girl with blonde hair and bright eyes was leaning against the hood of a baby blue car. Lena ran to her as quickly as she could, ignoring the people she passed on her way to Kara. She hugged her tight and felt how weak she was, she couldn’t even keep her arms around Kara for more than a few seconds.

 

“Lena, “ Kara whispered before her voice cracked. Black lines of mascara were faintly showing themselves on Kara’s cheeks. “I’m sorry. “ She shook her head, but Lena just kept herself in Kara’s arms, hoping she’d never let go.

 

Jess eventually came to them, looking up at the sky and down to the ground a couple of times before saying something. “I’m glad you’re here, “ She told Kara after they, Lena and Kara, had let go of each other.

 

“Yeah, of course, “ Kara answered and gave a faint smile. A wrinkle had formed deep and dark between her eyebrows, the corners of her mouth pointing downwards. “Should we get going? “ Kara asked Lena, looking at her quickly.

 

“Yeah- yes. “ Lena nodded. He dark hair was messy and she felt gross, like she’d just walked through the lake on the other side of the school. “Thank you, Jess. “ She hugged her one more time before stepping into the car.

 

“Lena, I- “

 

“Can we just be quiet for a little while? “ Lena whispered, pushing off her shoes and folding her legs up into her seat as she stared out on the road in front of them.

 

“Of course, “ Kara said. She put her hand on Lena’s leg for a moment before putting it back on the wheel. “I love you. “

 

Lena nodded. She put back her seat and shut her eyes, wanting more than ever to just fall asleep and not wake up until she was home.

 

 

She saw nothing but the darkness before her, sudden images flew past her eyes. She saw mother sitting in the living room with books and papers scattered on the coffee table, her legs folded beneath herself as she drank a big mug of coffee and muttered words to herself. Lena turned her head towards the light on her right, sun was streaming in through the, now open, front door. Lex appeared with his flushed cheeks and ashy brown hair. He ran through the door to mother and hugged her tightly, his backpack landed on the floor behind him, now forgotten.

 

He looked like he was talking, his eyes were gleaming brightly as he mouthed words Lena couldn’t hear. She stepped closer to him, though she didn’t seem to be able to come nearer. The living room’s dark carpeted floors washed over her, her feet sinking deeper and deeper into them as she fought her way to the couch. She peaked over the back of it, expecting to see mother and Lex smiling down at her, though the light had vanished from the room and she was now seeing dusty furniture all around her.

 

The plants that had been fresh and green all around the room were now grey and crusty. She looked around herself, only being able to see a few feet in front of her – the dust was thick and the light was barely there. It became darker and darker as she fiddled her way through the room. Lena kept banging into things she couldn’t see. Suddenly, a great discomfort washed over her, forcing her breathing to slow down so much she could feel the panic rise in her.

 

She shot up from her seat with a sudden inhale of air; Kara’s hand was instantly on Lena’s as to calm her down. “Lena, “ Kara said, trying to sound calm. Her eyes zoomed from the road in front of them to Lena and back again. “It was just a dream. It’s okay, “ She said and gave a small smile. She let go of Lena to change gear and make a turn. She pulled over and took off her seatbelt to turn to Lena completely.

 

“I’m all right, “ Lena said after a moment. She was confused as to why she was in a car and why she was with Kara, but then the memories of just hours ago came rushing back over her. “Are we there soon? “ She asked, just to say something as Kara started driving again. Lena looked out over the open fields, the small gatherings of houses here and there as they drove down a long, wide road.

 

“Yeah, ten minutes or something. What were you dreaming about? “ Kara asked, the worry still in her voice.

 

“Nothing. “ Lena shook her head. “Just- it didn’t even make any sense. I dreamt I was back home with mother and- and, uh- “ She shook her head again with a deep sigh. She put her legs up on the seat and dug the palms of her hands into her eyes gently, seeing the darkness turn into weird patterns of light and colors behind her eyelids.

 

“We’re there soon, “ Kara said to cover the silence for a few seconds. She turned on the radio and they both listened to the songs neither of them knew. Lena couldn’t concentrate on the rhythm, the songs seamed dull and never-ending. “We’re here, “ Kara said and turned off the car, unclicking her seatbelt and turning to face Lena. “Do you want me to go in there with you? “

 

Lena thought about the possible outcomes, she thought about how her mother would react either way, whether or not Kara joined her in the horribleness to come. “Yes, please, “ Lena whispered as she got out of the car. It had only been about three months since Lena had left for her 3rd year. The grass was thick and bushy all around the front of the house, the windows were not very clean – Lena hadn’t gotten around to clean them. She looked at the fainted yellow color of the front door, the one she’d been so exited to pass through when she got here for the first time in her life.

 

Kara took her hand and held it tight as she led Lena inside. Kara’s parents were sitting inside, her mother with her arm gently around Lillian’s back. They all stood up, all except Lillian, at the sight of the two girls. “Kara, “ Eliza Danvers said, her eyes gleaming with tears as she hugged her daughter and, to Lena’s surprise, Lena. As she let go, Lillian had turned to look at Lena. Her face was pale, shining the places where tears had fallen. Her hands were shaking madly on the table in front of her, her thin lips stretched in a numb expression.

 

“Mother, “ Lena whispered as Eliza and Kara took a step back. A sudden realization rushed over her as she walked towards Lillian, the broken woman who didn’t seem to fully understand that it truly was Lena who was standing by her side – Lillian had lost her only child.

 

 

The night rolled around as Lena and Kara stood in the kitchen, finishing cleaning up after dinner. Lillian was in her room, talking to distant family and friends over the phone. Eliza and Jeremiah were sitting by the dining table, whispering words of comfort to each other. Though, they had never really talked much with Lex, they, too, felt the loss of someone close.

 

“I’d like to stay over for the night, “ Kara said as she put away the clean plates. “I already packed some of my stuff from my dorm before I left to pick you up, so I got everything I need, “ She continued. “Lena, “ She said after Lena had done nothing. “I want to be here with you right now. “

 

Lena put down the dishtowel and turned to look at Kara. She, Lena, could feel how heavy her head was and how weak her arms and legs felt as she leaned up against the wall. “I think, uh- I think, maybe, you should just go home, “ Lena said and nodded through her words. “Mother- uh, she’s not okay and I should be there for her right now- “

 

“Lena- “ Kara was about to protest when Eliza seized her hand. “What, mom? “ Kara turned.

 

“We’re going home. If Lena wants you to leave, dear, I think you should listen to her. You can see her again tomorrow if she feels like it, “ Eliza said with a soft voice. Her kind eyes fell upon Lena, who smiled appreciatively.

 

“Are you sure, Lena? “ Kara asked, looking at her with big eyes.

 

“I am. Thank you, all of you, for your help today. I- it really means a lot, to both of us, thank you. “ Lena smiled and waved goodbye as they walked out of the house. Lena looked down the empty path to the where they all got in Kara’s car and drove the short bit down the road to their house. Lena closed and locked the door behind her.

 

The air was thick and the light was dull, for a moment she was afraid she was back in that odd dream she had in the car. She looked towards the couch, it was empty. With three soft knocks on her mother’s door she opened it and saw Lillian in bed with the blanket pulled high over her, her skinny, pale face sticking out at the top. The TV was flashing sharp lights on the wall behind her as Lena walked in.

 

“Are they gone? “ Lillian croaked as she moved slightly to her right. Lena took the invitation and sank down underneath the blanket with shaky movements.

 

“Yeah, “ Lena answered. She changed the channel to something calmer. A game show flashed on the screen, it was old and not the best quality but the host had a deep, relaxed voice and Lena quickly felt how heavy her eyelids had become.

 

“I don’t believe it really happened, “ Lillian said, suddenly, making Lena jump a little as she had almost fallen asleep.

 

“Me neither, “ She mumbled and turned over to her mother’s wet cheeks. “Can I sleep in here? “ She whispered and Lillian just nodded quickly, pretending to find the screen of the TV suddenly very interesting. Lena fell asleep to the sound of her mother’s slow breathing and the TV’s soft rhythm of talking, cheering and making beeps and buzzes from the game.

 

Suddenly she was back at the hospital were she’d visited Lex so many years ago. Everything was so white and clean, though the floor was almost pitch black. People were walking all around her and she struggled to find her way down the long hallway. Someone kept pushing her forward, but she couldn’t turn around to see. She made a quick turn to the right and ended up in the bathroom, though this bathroom was not the one she’d used at the mental hospital, this was the one she’d found Kara crying in at the school after she’d seen James with Lucy outside.

 

Lena opened the many stalls, there must’ve been about twenty. When she got to the last one she saw Kara sitting on the floor with her hands covering her face. Lena could hear her crying, whispering something as she sobbed. “Kara, “ Lena said, though she wasn’t fully aware that she was speaking. The words came to her without her realizing. “Kara, why are you crying? “ She said, her voice feeling different and like someone else’s.

 

Kara turned her face upwards and suddenly Lex’ face was starring at her, grinning widely, his hair thin in some places as if he’d pulled most of it out. “Lex! “ Lena shrieked and suddenly she was back in her mother’s bedroom, Lillian by her side, sleeping quietly. She got out of bed, feeling how her head was throbbing from the sudden shock of her dream. Never in her entire life has she had such a vivid dream, never. She found the painkillers in the top drawer in the bathroom and got two down with ease.

 

Her phone was in the kitchen, texts appearing on her screen as she walked past it. People had been texting all throughout the Danvers’ visit and even now, past midnight on a Wednesday, people were texting her, telling her how sorry they were to hear what had happened. She didn’t want to read them, though people kept sharing short storied of things they’d experienced with Lex. Nothing was important, it was all little things like how he’d once accidentally thrown away someone’s pencil and then showed up with five new ones the next day. Stupid little stories that Lena didn’t understand why needed to be shared with her. It was not like they were going bring him back or make her miss him any more.

 

She hated the ache inside of her, the dull feeling as if she was still dreaming. She hated how unreal all of it seemed – she wanted all of this to be fake and a messed up aftereffect of something she’d drunk at a party, but as she pinched her arm and the pain shot through the small area of her skin, nothing happened. She was still just standing with her phone in her hand in her kitchen, looking down at the bright screen.

 

“Lex, “ She whispered as tears suddenly started falling. “Why did you do it? “ Her voice cracked and something moved behind her. Quickly, she turned around to see that it was nothing but an open window’s curtains swaying in the light wind. She shut it and turned back to the kitchen and her phone. “I wish you’d been stronger, “ She whispered. Lena fell to her knees and hit them hard on the cold tiles. The pain felt like nothing compared to how her insides were feeling. She put a hand on her stomach and pressed hard against it, wanting the clenching, twisting feeling to leave her. Her sobs grew quieter and quieter as she heard movements from her mother’s room, not wanting to wake her. Lena dropped her phone and pushed it away from her, the screen continued to shine out messages of superficial comfort. She turned and leaned against the counters.

 

“You- you should’ve been strong for me. “ The words left her lips in a horrible mess of cries. “You should’ve been here. It- it should’ve been me who- who had been broken. “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry :/


	8. After the end

They picked out flowers, music to be played, location and all the other little things for the funeral. There was not going to be a memorial or anything big, Lena didn’t want that. She didn’t want to get ready for something big, just to see the small amount of people actually coming to say goodbye to Lex. Kara helped her pick out the dress, it was a knee-length, black dress with black lace lining the bottom and top. It fit snugly around her body, a dark red belt around her hips made it perfect. Her hair was dark and lifeless around her pale face, Kara tried to make Lena’s lips match her belt, but tears kept running over the red color, making it bleed in with her foundation.

 

“I need to stop crying, “ Lena said, it was the first real sentence all day. She took the white handkerchief and dapped gently under her eyes, trying not to mess up the black liner Kara had spent so long doing for her.

 

“It’s okay to cry, “ Kara said. Her voice was so quiet and so soft. “Should we give up on the lipstick? “ She asked and gave a small smile. Lena nodded and wiped her lips clean from the paint.

 

 

The big, gaping hole in the ground was so cold and so dark and just the thought of her brother ending there made her knees weak. “Kara, “ Lena whispered, taking her hand and holding it tight. She turned away from the grave, away from the casket with the flowers and away from the crowd of people all standing there, crying silently.

 

“I know, “ Kara whispered back. “It’ll be over soon. “ And though Lena tried to focus on those words, the speeches of the crowd kept coming and all the stupid stories and the not-understanding people kept talking, ruining the soft whisper of Kara’s comforts.

 

“I want to leave, “ Lena whispered. She was standing behind Kara, leaning slightly up against her shoulder, trying to hide her wet face.

 

“Not yet, “ Kara said.

 

“I don’t want to make a speech, “ Lena said and shook her head.

 

“If you don’t want to you don’t have to, “ Kara answered simply. “But you should listen to what your mother has to say. “ She nodded towards the middle of the small crowd of people. Lillian was slowly walking towards the end of the casket, putting down a single, red flower. She cleared her throat and looked at the people around her.

 

“I loved my son, “ She said. Her cheeks where lined with smeared makeup, her hands were shaking as she held the crumbled piece of paper, her knees wobbly underneath her thin body. “I loved my son and I still love him. He was a- a beautiful boy, through and through. He was perfect in every way, no matter what people have said. He just didn’t fit into this world- “ Her voice cracked and she fell slightly forwards, supporting herself on the edge of the black casket. “I- I know that wherever he is now, he’s- he’s so much happier than he could- “ She cried, hard, shook her head and took a deep breath, filling her lungs with thin air. “-than he could ever be here. “

 

 

The quiet and calm space of Lena’s bedroom made her heartbeat slow down and she finally felt like she could breathe properly again. Lillian had gotten back into bed, closed and locked her door behind her, turned on her TV so you couldn’t hear her cries.

 

“Do you want me to stay here? “ Kara asked and held Lena’s hand again, because she didn’t know what else to do.

 

“Yes, please, “ Lena mumbled as she tugged herself under her blankets in her bed and turned off the lights. It seemed like only minutes ago there were getting ready for today and now it was all over, nothing more to prepare or to fix before the ending. It was after the end.

 

 

When you’re in a dark room and someone shines a light, it’s the only thing you really see at that moment. You’re suddenly all lit up and you can see your surroundings, you can see the color of the walls, the furniture and the paintings, all the little details you hadn’t even thought about before the light came.

 

The time after Lex’s death was, to Lena’s surprise, filled with little lights. On the dark days where she stayed in bed, she wasn’t alone for long, because suddenly Kara was knocking on her door, with breakfast and a movie in her arms. The seasons changed quicker than Lena could’ve imagined. The leaves started falling off the trees just seconds after the sun had come out regularly. The cold wind suddenly turned into thick snow that only lasted a minute or two before Lena spotted the flowers starting to bloom from the garden outside her window. Suddenly it was summer break and she didn’t know where the time had gone. It terrified her but she liked the way time was flying by, not waiting to make sure she was coming along.

 

Kara’s graduation from college was the best day Lena had had in months. Lena herself had dropped out of college last Christmas, not wanting to push things like school over herself. Now, though, she was standing in a fancy suit, her hair short and curly around her shoulder and a big bouquet of flowers in her hands. “Kara! “ She yelled, whistled and wooed as Kara walked up on the stage, took her diploma, waved at Lena, Winn, Mon-El, Lucy, James, Alex and Maggie and her parents. She almost fell over her own feet as she stepped down again and the group of friends couldn’t stop laughing.

 

“We are _so_ proud of you, sweetie! “ Eliza beamed and hugged her youngest daughter tightly.

 

“You’re smart now! “ Alex laughed, pulling Kara into a hug and kissing the top of her head.

 

Everyone had each their turn to squeeze and kiss Kara, who took the flowers from her friends and family and let them all wander back to their cars. “Lena, “ She said as she waved goodbye to her family. “I have something I need to talk to you about. “

 

Lena stopped walking and turned to look at Kara, her heart suddenly beating quickly. “Yeah? “ She asked and ran her fingers through her wavy hair. “What’s up? “

 

“I- I’ve been doing a bit of thinking, you know. And- uh- like, now that I’m done with college and all of _that_ is over. I’ve just- I’ve just thought that, you know, maybe you’d like to move in together? Like, get a shared apartment down town and stuff. Because- because I applied for a job at this big news outlet-place and I just thought it’d be cool if I lived nearby and, since you’re like my second lung, I- I thought you could come with me. We’ll find a place where the rent isn’t so crazy and we’ll live close to wherever you’ll work and- and we can still visit the others and family all the time and- “

 

“Kara, “ Lena said and laughed and wholehearted laughter. “I’d love to do that. “ She smiled.

 

“But? “ Kara winced slightly.

 

“But- “ Lena shook her head. She thought about the idea of living there with Kara, of living in a small apartment with mess everywhere and leftover potstickers in the fridge with Kara’s name on them. She thought about getting home from work and seeing Kara asleep on the couch, still on FaceTime with Alex who just laughs when Lena takes the phone and says goodbye. All of these things that she’s dreamed of since she was a kid, all these magical moments she wish she could have. But then her thoughts jump over to seeing some guy walk out of Kara’s bedroom early in the morning and Kara beaming across her entire face and she thinks about the day they’ll have to move apart because Kara’s moving in with someone else and her heart breaks.

 

“You’re over-thinking, “ Kara said, seeing the obvious concern on Lena’s face.

 

“I don’t want this day to be sad, “ Lena said.

 

“It won’t be if you say yes, “ Kara said and winked. “It would so amazing, Lena. “

 

“I know it would, “ Lena said and shook her head once again. “But, Kara, it’ll be too hard for me- “

 

“Because you love me? “ Kara finished her sentence. Lena nodded slowly and looked around them at the many happy families who’re hugging and giving words of advice to the young people. “But what if- what if I love to you too and I’ve just been too blind to see it? What if, all this time, I’ve just not understood that the things I’ve felt for you weren’t just the feelings of someone loving a friend. “

 

“Kara- “

 

“No, Lena, “ Kara took her hand, though her own was sweaty and shaky. “What if it’s taken me almost twenty years to see that I actually love you, too? “

 

“Don’t say stuff like that, Kara, it’s not fair- “

 

“I’m not just saying this, Lena. I’ve- I’ve thought about this for so long now. After our big fight about me being with James- “

 

“Who you’ve only _just_ ended things with- “

 

“That doesn’t matter, Lena, listen to what I’m saying, please! After we fought about that I realized that my feelings for you were so much bigger and so much more powerful than my feelings for James. I was so terrified to loose you if it meant I was with him. I’ve always felt like that, always felt so scared of loosing you that I’d be willing to let go of everyone else. Not a single time did it occur to me that it was not just friendly love I felt for you, it was real, whole-heartedly love. “

 

Lena could feel her pulse in her head, she could feel the weight of the air around her and she could feel the way grass was tickling her bare ankles. Many thoughts and words have gone through her head all throughout her life. She’s _heard_ even more words and sentences. But this single sentence, the sentence that is supposed to mean that Kara is in love with her and that her entire life’s biggest wish, dream, fairytale is true, is not making any sense to her.

 

“You’re in love with me? “ Lena asked and Kara just laughed and smiled and pulled her in for a kiss. A kiss that filled Lena’s body with the feeling of something so strong she couldn’t stop smiling, making it very hard to focus on the fact that Kara’s lips where planted determinedly on her own.

 

“I’ve said it most of my life. I love you, Lena. “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading. you guys are cool! *finger guns*


End file.
